Top Five Words I'm Bringing Back!

Since moving down to the central belt of Scotland I have noticed that many of the words and expressions I grew up using are not used down here. I have had people get confused at things I say, people laugh at what I say and people even refusing to believe that the words I am using are 'real' words. Quite frankly, I am sick of it. I am sick of going to a chippy and not a chipper, I am sick of eating bacon rolls instead of bacon softies and if I hear one more person put 'eh?' at the end of every sentence instead of the far more normal work of 'like?' then I think I am going to get on a bussie (not bus) home.

I was going to compile a list for people unfortunate enough to have been born outwith the North East of Scotland of what words should actually be used, but then I noticed that even regular British English terms, such as 'biscuit', are being replaced with Americanised rubbish, like 'cookie'.

Perhaps five is not enough, but welcome to my list of the top five words and phrases which I am bringing back into regular conversation!

5. Fairy Cake - Replacing 'Cup Cake'

Agh! Fairy cake is such a fantastic term. There is no noun in the English language which cannot be improved without the word 'Fairy' preceding it. Yet for some reason it seems increasingly popular to call the poor little things 'Cup Cakes'. The term offends me deeply. I was heartened by the BBC website yesterday when I noticed that they had a recipe for 'Fairy Cakes', not 'Cup Cakes'. As far as I am concerned they have just justified the license fee.

4. Chipper - Replacing 'Chippie'

On twitter today I courted controversy by ranting about the term 'Chippie'. I hate the term 'Chippie'. To me a chippie is a stone (literally a chipped stone), similar to a chuckie, yet it seems that since I have moved down to the central belt of Scotland that everyone calls it a 'Chippie'. To me it always has been, and always will be a chipper. Could you imagine going to the 'World Famous Bervie Chippie'? Of course not! Yet four separate people on twitter and two more on facebook rejected 'Chipper' for 'Chippy'. I fear I may be too late on this one.

3. Softie - Replacing 'Roll'

A softie is a round bread thing. It seems to be called a 'roll' here in Edinburgh, and possibly other parts of the UK as well. However where I am from, and I am sure much of the UK, the correct term is 'Softie'. The term 'roll', is just confusing. Firstly if you go into a bakers and ask for a 'Roll' how do you know if you will end up walking home with a bread roll or if you will end up with a Buttery or Rowie? Secondly, if you want a sausage softie, how do you ask for it? Ask any self-respecting bakers for a Sausage Roll and they will give you the savoury pastry snack, not the sausage softie you require!

2. Advertisement - Replacing 'Advertisement'

I admit this one makes very little sense written down as both words are spelt the same and mean the exact same thing but are pronounced completely differently. An Advertisement should be pronounced 'Advertis-ment', however it seems to be becoming increasingly common to hear people pronounce it 'Advertize-ment'. It is a pet hate of mine but everyone from members of my own family to people on television seem to be watching 'Advertize-ments' instead of 'advertisements'. It is almost as bad as people who send out 'invites' instead of 'invitations'.

1. Quine - Replacing 'Girl'

I use the term 'girl' all the time, and very occasionally use the word 'lassie'. In fact I almost never call girls 'quines' in regular speech. Growing up in an area where 'Quine' is commonly used I still said 'girl' instead. However this must change. 'Quine' is a fantastic word, it rolls off the tongue, it sounds brilliant and really girls should be called 'quines' and treated as 'quines'. If you are wondering the North East term for 'boy' is actually 'loon'. Really boys should be called 'loons'... I am taking it upon myself to start calling girls 'Quines' from now on. It is time to take my language back!

Last Day on Earth

"Have you any last words?" The coroner asked me, tiredly.

"Shit" I muttered. I had written some stuff down, some great stuff about the hypocrisy of the church and the injustices which had got me into such trouble. These days the last words are spoken before the Priest reads out the last rites. In my head I liked the juxtaposition between my anti-theistic rant and the Priest going on about my soul being saved. Unfortunately though in a lapse of concentration I had left my notes in my cell. I knew I could make something up on the spot but I knew it would not have the same punch. What did it matter then anyway?

"No," I answered solemnly, "Shit will do."

My wife who was sitting in the public gallery gave me a disapproving look, as if I should somehow be recognising her. 'Fuck her.' I thought. If I am unable to rant about the hypocrisy of religion then why should I waste my last words on her?

"Shall we?" I remember asking. Ultimately they would prove to be my absolute final earthly words, 'Shall we?' Not the final punch I was looking for but I was tired and it seemed that the only person in the room with any interest in proceedings, the Priest, was getting anxious to get his part out of the way.

I had met Father Mann just once before, a couple of days before. He was young, very young. I still couldn't get over the idea of calling someone that young "Father".

He walked into my cell that day and timidly sat down. "Are you nervous?" was the first thing he said after introducing himself. I told him I was not. I knew that once I died I would be buried in the ground, or burned in a casket or maybe thrown off a boat but by then it would not matter, I would be dead.

"I'm nervous" he said. He was too. I was to be his first. I was going to be his first capital punishment case. I smiled at him. I suppose it made me happy that whilst it would be the end of something special for me, it would be the beginning of something special for him.

"May the blessing of God Almighty the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost descend upon you and remain with you always." Father Mann said. I remember being somewhat put out that there was only one line said, then again it was his first time so the less to remember the better and why waste a decent prayer on a notorious Atheist anyway?

There was a pause. It was sort of awkward, at least I found it awkward. It seemed to last forever, this pause after the Priest had finished. Everything had turned somewhat sombre. Perhaps they where reflecting on the deep meaning behind what Father Mann had just said. Either way I could not cope with it any more.

"Shall We?" I repeated as I nodded towards the noose.

A hood was put over my head and darkness seemed to descend. I could hear the coroner repeating my crime and sentence as I felt the noose slip across my neck. Finally it was over. What they fail to tell you when you are sentenced to hang is how utterly boring it all is. Instead of just getting you in there, killing you and getting you out of there they force a sick ceremony upon you. Maybe it is to make them feel better about what they are doing or to try and put meaning on it. It just bored me. There is nothing meaningful about death, no matter how to dress it up.

With the noose tied around me, and another moment of silence I fell.

"You should have closed your eyes," the man with the wings said "you should see what your body looks like with your eyes popping out like that."

Top Five Biscuit Dipping

For anyone who follows me on twitter you may have seen my constant complaining and whining about having to study for exams, having to do exams and worry about what my results are going to be like. Exam period is the one time of year I hate more than any other, I inevitably put on weight, consider taking up smoking and contemplate ripping the vocal chords out of my beloved, but persistently annoying, cat.

However there is one advantage; I drink shit-loads of tea. With tea comes biscuits to dip into it. I tried, over the past month or so, dipping with five different biscuits, so starting with the worst and leading to the best, here are the top five biscuits to dip with.

5. Jamie Dodgers

I love Jamie Dodgers, I love shortbread, I love jam, I love them together. Because of this I was dismayed to discover that they do not dip well. The biscuit part became soggy but the jam was resilient, leading to this odd sensation somewhere between chewy and soggy. Chewy goes with hard, it does not go with soggy.

Dip Rating - 1/10

4. HobNobs

Only number four!? Yes, the 'classic' dipping biscuit is fairly low on my list. Don't get me wrong, they are resilient but to me they are actually too resilient. I like the biscuits to get a little bit soggy but you have to dip the humble hobnob four to five times simply to get the desired result. That much dipping is a lot of effort whilst trying to get through The Critique of Pure Reason.

Dip Rating - 4/10

3. Rich Tea Fingers

I perhaps made a rookie mistake here by selecting rich tea fingers, rather than their classic bigger brother of the traditional rich tea. Taste wise there was no biscuit which suited tea better than the rich tea, however one dip and the finger would be so soggy it fell into the tea more often than not. Fishing the soggy biscuit residue from the bottom of a tea cup takes away from the whole dipping experience. Best for taste, worst for dip so Rich Tea Fingers finish third. Perhaps if I had gone for the real rich teas there would be a different winner, alas I did not.

Dip Rating - 5/10

2. Chocolate Fingers

Whilst the rich tea fingers were not up to the dipping task, the same cannot be said for the chocolate finger. The heat of the tea melted the chocolate which allowed it to ooze down as I brought the little finger to my mouth. Absolutely fantastic. Only real negative was that unfortunately the biscuit itself was a little insulated from the chocolate. A very close second to the eventual winner though.

Dip Rating - 9/10

1. Abernethy

I only ever tried my first Abernethy biscuit a couple of years ago, but they are pretty good. On their own they are fairly humble, straight forward, sweet, hard biscuits. However they come into their own when you add tea. The sweetness of the biscuit is a perfect combination with the tea and the natural hardness of the biscuit gives it durability for dipping, but not so much that the desired sogginess cannot be achieved. Lovely simple looking biscuits which dip perfectly. If you are sitting with a cup of tea and about to dip a biscuit right now and it is not an Abernethy then I pity you. Fantastic and my number one choice for tea dipping enjoyment.

Dip Rating - 10/10

Currently I am waiting for my results, my final ever results for my course, the ones that decide my final undergraduate results. If I do not get the grade I want then at least, I will have achieved something in my degree. A deeper knowledge of tea and biscuits.

Top 5 Philosophical Latin Phrases

In the midst of studying for an Epistemology exam I have been struck with the volume of Latin phrases employed by philosophers to convey their theories. With the beginning of the early modern period in philosophical writing the idea of using Latin exclusively for philosophy was thrown out the window, but philosophers knew that reciting Latin would make stoned future students sound more profound and intelligent than they actually are so determined that the names of their key concepts would sound better in Latin.

In descending order here are my top 5 philosophical latin phrases to make you sound more intelligent than you actually are.

5. Tabula Rasa - Blank Slate

Tabula Rasa was a phrase employed most famously by John Locke. He claimed that humans are born without any innate knowledge, the mind being born as a blank slate. Locke is an empiricist and who believed that any knowledge we acquire comes from our senses meaning the mind must be born as a tabula rasa.

4. Bellum Omnium Contra Omnes - The War of All against All

Thomas Hobbes envisaged something called the State of Nature which is similar to a brutish and war-like Original Position. It is a situation before a state and before a law system has been created. Hobbes wrote during the English Civil War and it perhaps shows in his vision of such a horrific concept of what humanity would be like in a state of nature. The Hobbesian state of nature is one where every man is at war with every man, in a brutish, short and miserable life and makes up the basis for the Hobbesian state. Bellum Omnium Contra Omnes was a phrase he used to describe the fighting he believed would occur in such a situation.

3. Ens Causa Sui - Cause of Oneself (sort of)

Causa Sui has been used by a number of theorists and philosophers, but it is in the existentialist context used by Jean-Paul Sartre that I first became aware of the term. Sartre wrote in 'Being and Nothingness' that man seeks completion and religion does this through God. He used the term Ens Causa Sui to refer to this.

2. A Priori and A Posteriori

Unlike the previous phrases A Priori and A Posteriori are not used or synonymous with any single philosopher but are common to many. The two phrases are unavoidable when it comes to Epistemology and are common to philosophy students from a standard grade RMPS level. A Priori knowledge is that which we know independently from knowledge, e.g. 'All sisters are female', whilst A Posteriori is knowledge attained and proved through empirical evidence, e.g. 'Some sisters are unhappy'. Both terms are used commonly in philosophy and it is rare to see the literal English translation.

1. Cogito Ergo Sum - I Think Therefore I Am

No surprises at what I've put at number one. Everyone knows this phrase. Without a doubt it is the most famous phrase in philosophy and one that is used by philosophers and non-philosophers alike. Unfortunately this means that it is miss-represented constantly by people who have not studied philosophy. It was used by Descartes in an attempt to prove that he does exist. He used a thought-experiment called the 'Methodological Skepticism' in which he showed that as senses are fallible it is impossible to really know the existence of anything, but by thinking about whether oneself exists is proof in itself that one does indeed exist. I think therefore I am.

And there we have it, the top five Latin phrases to use to show how philosophically intelligent you are. Now roll a joint, grow your hair and speak with that arrogance only a person who has learnt some deep sounding philosophical phrases can.

The Nationalists

This is an old blog post I wrote on another blog I used to use. Given the Holyrood election results I thought I may as well post it here. Enjoy.

I was struck by something an SNP activist told me earlier today, he said ‘I feel sorry for people in England, if I lived there I wouldn’t know who to vote for.’ He, knowing I am a member of the Labour party, was probably trying to get a rise out of me. An attempt at fishing to try and get into the debate SNP supporters love so much about whether any of the three ‘London parties’ are in fact different at all. Rather than go down this tedious route I told him ‘That is because your social cleavage is your nationality.’ He decided not to continue talking about that and instead canvassed me about the renewal of Trident.

It made me think though, about how SNP voters view politics. I believe that supporters of the three main UK parties look at politics based on an ideology of sorts. Be it conservative, liberal, social liberal, libertarian, socialist or otherwise. Based on that ideology we perhaps find the party we feel best fits that ideology or the one which has the most policies that fall into our chosen category. I am unsure if this is the way the Nats view their political beliefs. The nationalist who spoke to me this morning was wearing a Scotland soccer shirt for instance, and spoke in a very broad Scottish accent (one I cynically felt he was over-emphasising for effect). Although he spoke to me about policy I felt it was his Scottishness that defined his politics, something so alien to me. This man was a Scottish person therefore his politics needed to be Scottish. I am a social democrat, therefore my politics need to be social democratic. I am also Scottish and happy to be so, but mixing national pride with politics is something frightening to me but I am beginning to think that is perhaps how the Nationalists view the political landscape.

Where Next for Scottish Labour

Scotland is now firmly in the hands of the nationalists. After a resounding defeat Labour are left licking their wounds and we now have to wonder what to do next and figure out where it all went wrong.

This was Labour's failure and Labour's election to lose. They just did not get the message across.

I had a look at my constituency which was an SNP gain from Labour. The Labour Candidate (Sarah Boyack) actually increased the number of votes and increased her share of the vote compared to the last election. Last time she won with a fairly sizeable majority, a full 2,000 votes ahead of the SNP candidate.

This year was a different story. Although more people in this constituency voted for Ms Boyack she lost.

The loss came from the Liberal Democrats. The Lib Dem candidate lost 3,000 votes compared to this time four years ago, the majority of which went straight to the SNP candidate, leaving the SNP winning the seats by just 250 seats.

It is clear from this that the Labour losses didn't come from Labour supporters, but came from dissatisfied Liberal Democrat voters turning the back on the unionist parties and voting for the Nats.

But why?

Quite simply it is because Scottish Labour gave them no reason to vote for them. Labour's manifesto was dire, it was left of center but not particularly progressive. It promised certain policies, like keeping tuition fees free, that would entice Lib Dem supporters, but crucially they where policies the SNP also supported.

Labour need to become the liberal-left force in Scotland.

I voted for Ed Miliband as leader because he was the progressive candidate. Not the left-wing candidate, but the candidate best suited to put forward left-liberal policies. Socially liberal ideas with a left leaning stance.

That is what Scotland needs and that is what Britain needs.

Scottish Labour need to show they are the progressive party that they are becoming down south, other wise they risk never getting back their key Scottish support base.

Weirdest Policies We've Passed

Earlier today Conservative fear figure Nadine Dorries tabled a ten minute rule motion which would require girls between 13-16 to be educated on the 'benefits of abstinence'. As with most ten minute motion's it passed, albeit by a tiny margin, and as with most ten minute motions it has not got a snowball's chance in hell (or a Tory candidate's chance in Scotland) of getting through. There is nothing surprising about any of this really, but today Twitter went crazy as if the policy had passed and this will become law. It won't. It did get me to thinking, what are the wackiest ideas and policies to ever go through our parliament?

Here are my top five.

Passports for Pets

The idea of giving animals passports as well as humans was first proposed by the humorous Monster Raving Loony Party, but in 2001 the Labour government actually put this into place. Technically it is an internationally recognised document which shows they have no diseases and is an attempt at curtailing any spread of rabies, and it has been adopted by countries all across the world. However, this party was originally the fantasy of Screaming Lord Sutch and his Monster Raving Looney colleagues.

Suicide Punishable By Death

In 1845 there was briefly a law which passed through the UK parliament which made the crime for breaking the law the death penalty. It was quickly repealed but for a short period of time those who attempted to take one's own life but failed would have the state for back up. In the 1800's the punishment really did fit the crime.

No Celebrations this Christmas

During the brief years we did not have a monarchy, we also did not have a Christmas to celebrate. In 1644 Oliver Cromwell passed an act of parliament banning us from celebrating Christmas. Although Christmas itself was still marked we were not allowed to celebrate it due to the new puritan nature of the government. No doubt back then abstinence was taught to more than just 13-16 year old girls.

Keep It Down

There is a proviso in the current UK copyright law which prevents us from playing music too loud. Technically if any music that you own is played loud enough for anyone other than yourself to hear then you are breaking the law. That means if you have your iPod on too loud on the tram and someone working for the 'Performing Rights Society' they technically have the right to take you to court and claim royalties. Where it gets really bizarre is according to the same law if they hear music on the radio emitting from your house or earphones the same law is broken, even though it is legal for the radio to play the music themselves.

No Booze on a Sunday

Until as recently as two years ago you could not buy alcohol on a Sunday morning in Scotland. It was a law which had existed in the UK for centuries, but the English, Welsh and Northern Irish had the good sense to change it. In Scotland however, the country which not only has the least amount of Christians anywhere in the UK but also has the most drinkers, you could not buy alcohol on a Sunday at all until a couple of decades ago and until two years ago could not buy it until 12:30. When the law did change we where allowed to purchase alcohol at any time on any day between 10am and 10pm on every day except... a Sunday. On a Sunday you must buy your alcohol before 8pm.

All in all although Nadine Dorries may be trying to push through a draconian and pointless law, it won't be for the first time. We have had odd laws, weird laws, scary laws and funny laws in the past, and no doubt we will have them in the future.