Top Five Ways of Detecting a Philosophy Student

Last week I finally finished my four-year philosophy degree and graduated. Whilst the degree taught me a fair bit about philosophy, it taught me a hell of a lot more about how to be a philosophy student. Philosophy students are spreading, and whilst councils are putting 'Zombie Attack Survival Procedures' into place (seriously) many are unaware of the threat of philosophy students. Unlike Zombies, philosophy students are hard to detect, some of them look like real people!

After four years in their ranks I have learnt a thing or two about them. Now that I have rejoined humanity, I feel it is my duty to devise a list of five ways to detect a philosophy student.

1. An Unhealthy Love of The Smiths

The best advice every given to me was directly quoted from the book 'He Died with a Felafel In His Hand' by John Birmingham. He warned that, under no circumstances, must you flatshare with a fan of The Smiths. Unfortunately this prohibits you from living with anyone who has ever stepped into a philosophy lecture. Along with vegetarianism and depression, being a fan of The Smiths is almost a prerequisite of being a philosophy student. Personally I think the vegetarianism and depression has more to do with Morrissey than it does philosophy though.

2. Drinks Red Wine and Black Coffee

Look for the teeth. Some of us are clever and use 'Whitening' toothpaste to hide the abuse that constant consumption of red wine and black coffee does to our teeth. During the afternoon the philosophy student can be found sipping coffee at the artisan independent coffee shop, sneering at those who walk past with Frozen Skinny Gingerbread Lattes in Starbucks cups. By night they are in the pub, talking about Sartre, with a bottle of red wine which they are already planning on turning into a candle holder.

3. Avoids Anything Even Imitating a Stylist

Unkempt hair? Has a beard or hangs around with those with beards? Baggy T-shirt with 'Meat is Murder' embezzled on the front? Yep, you have found yourself a philosophy student. Tell tale sign is the obvious attempts at them cutting their own hair. If you need a pair of scissors then find a philosophy student.

4. Smokes Roll-Up Cigarettes

Not all philosophy students smoke (myself including), but those who do seem to exclusively smoke roll up cigarettes. In four years of mingling with philosophy students the act of rolling a cigarette was as second nature to many of them as putting a Latin phrase into regular conversation.

5. Hates Everyone Constantly Quoting Friedrich Nietzsche

People who do not study Philosophy seem to know two philosophical phrases, one is 'I think therefore I am', the other is 'God is Dead'. The problem with the latter is it appears as if everyone who quotes Nietzsche has absolutely no idea what he meant. Quote Nietzsche in front of a philosophy student and make wild claims about what it means and watch them roll their cigarette with fury.

So there we have it, the five tell-tale signs that you have a philosophy student on your hand. Stock up on loose tobacco, red wine and good coffee in preparation of the Philosophy Student apocalypse.