Top Five Favourite Conspiracy Theories

With the tenth anniversary of 9/11 fast approaching already hours on television and pages of print are being dedicated in memory of those lost in the atrocity. Whenever those attacks on September the 11th are mentioned the popular conspiracy theories are quick to follow. The BBC have even dedicated an entire documentary series to the conspiracy theories where due to neutrality they end each episode open ended, as if these theories are anything more than complete fucking bullshit. Conspiracy theories though I find fascinating. I love the idea that there is a secret Jewish cabal of bankers controlling the world and the Ku Klux Klan are our only hope of saviour, or that the moon landings where faked by a secret Jewish cabal of bankers so that the USA would beat the soviets in the space war or even the one where they put fluoride in the water to give people cavities so you go to the Jewish dentists and pay them more money. Conspiracy theorists love them Jewish Cabals. Anyway, here is my list of my top five favourite conspiracy theories, in descending order:

5. Aids Was Created To Kill off The Gays/Blacks

Left-wing conspiracy theories are quite rare. Generally there are communists, or socialists or Jews who are responsible for trying to destroy the freedoms of good, honest, Christian Americans. This one is different. According to this theory the right-wing white government decided to create a disease to kill off the gays or the blacks (depends which left-wing hippie nutter you believe) through an easily spreadable and incurable disease. Unfortunately for the conspirators they forgot that white straight people enjoy sex and heroin too.

4. Paul Is Dead

In 1966 Paul McCartney died in a car crash and was replaced by a look-a-like. Yep, that happened. According to the theory not only did McCartney die, but The Beatles covered it up, but put secret clues in their music and album artwork. These include an apparent hidden message included in the song 'Revolution 9' and that the image of the Beatles walking on the front of their 'Abby Road' album is supposed to signify a funeral procession. My only concern is, if the current Paul McCartney is a fake, why did they get such a wanker to play him?

3. Bob Marley Was Assassinated

I like this one just due to the sheer complexity of the theory. Often when celebrities who die are the focus of conspiracy theories the actual method of death is questioned, not so with Marley. According to this theory the CIA gave him the melanoma which would eventually kill him. Not only this, but the way they did it was by inserting copper into a pair of football boots which they then gave to the reggae artist as a gift. Marley used the boots, kicked a post, cut his foot, hit the copper, got melanoma, recorded the greatest live album of any reggae artist ever and then died. If that is true then the CIA should be congratulated for the most needlessly complex assassination ever carried out, ever.

2. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion

This one is quite frankly scary. I made a joke about how Jewish Cabals seem to be involved somehow in every single conspiracy theory ever made, but this one is no laughing matter. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion where a fake document made to make it look as if there was a great Jewish conspiracy. Essentially the document is a conspiracy within a conspiracy. This document was used as justification for anti-semetic laws and prejudice across the world, including in Nazi Germany where it was used by Hitler to justify hatred of the Jews and ultimately for the atrocities that occurred during the Holocaust. The document portray Jews as being Machiavellian and quite frankly evil. It is quite shocking and scary how this forged piece of literature was used.

1. Lizard Man Cometh!

Former BBC Sports pundit David Icke believes that the world is ruled by a secret cabal of Jews...wait, what? Not Jews but giant lizards!? Icke has forged a successful career where he claims that celebrities and rulers ranging from George W. Bush to the British Royal Family are secretly twelve foot lizards who, erm, control us. These Lizards come in all sorts of varieties but have disguised themselves as human beings. The Anti-racism organisation the ADL claim that these lizards are a code-word for Jews, but according to many, Icke genuinely believes that these lizards exist among us and are controlling our society. Scary eh? Here is Icke before the lizard phase on the Terry Wogan show:

Icke on Wogan

I think you know why that is my favourite!

The Strange Case of Digby Bamford

15th of March 1964 a school boy in New South Wales, Australia, committed suicide, shortly after being expelled from school. His name was Digby Bamford, he was 13 years old. Bamford was expelled from school after it emerged he had been involved in 'promiscuity' with another pupil, there was an uproar in the local community and both Bamford and his girlfriend were expelled. Digby Bamford was found dead the following morning.

19th July 2011 was the day Rupert Murdoch claimed was the most humbling of his life. He was sitting before a parliamentary committee who where asking him questions with regards to the phone hacking scandal that shocked much of the nation. Murdoch claimed he was shocked that his publications and people in his employ were guilty of such a heinous crime. Both he and his son, James, claimed to disapprove of the phone hacking scandal.

The revelations concerning Digby Bamford emerged on the 12th of March 1964 on the front page of the Sydney Daily Mirror, a paper that was acquired by Murdoch earlier that year. Bamford and his girlfriend where subject to a local scandal when the information emerged, information that was acquired from the secret diary of Bamford's girlfriend. Journalists under Murdoch's direct employ had discovered the information about these school children which not only led to the expulsion of the two children, but ultimately to the suicide of a 13 year old boy.

Rupert Murdoch has been embroiled fully in the phone hacking scandal and has seen politicians which once went to great lengths to court his favour, now reject him. He went from being as popular as Gary Glitter in 1977 to being as popular as Gary Glitter in 2007. Murdoch claimed to have made mistakes, ones in which he had no direct involvement, ones which where the fault of employees he had no contact with, ones which he disapproved of, ones which he would never have done.

It would be trite of me to claim that Murdoch's involvement in the suicide of Digby Bamford was anything more than an unfortunate mistake. Rupert did not know that Bamford would commit suicide over the scandal and perhaps it was due to his memories of the Bamford situation that he felt so appalled with the phone hacking. One suicide, at the very start of his media career, is not reason enough to suspect him of wrongdoing. No, in all likelihood Murdoch felt deeply about Bamford's suicide, and (after an extensive cover up which lasted until the mid-seventies) vowed never to make such a mistake again.

Samantha MacAlpine may disagree with me. Well perhaps she would do if she where still alive. In 1977 MacAlpine was embroiled in a sex scandal involving BBC employees which was revealed by our favourite paper; The News of the World. Samantha was 15 years old. The News of the World revealed details of Top of the Pops presenters having sex with the young music fans, revelations which emerged from the secret diary of Samantha MacAlpine. The very next day Samantha committed suicide. A post-mortem revealed MacAlpine, who's name had been dragged through the mud, to be a virgin. A police enquiry lay the full blame for the suicide on Murdoch's News of the World. Both of these pieces of information where hidden by Murdoch after he curried favour with rival papers to prevent these revelations from emerging. Let us learn from our mistakes.

The Naked Truth: A Clothes Optional Blog

Steven Gough, better known as 'The Naked Rambler', was today jailed for almost two more years for once again being naked in public here in Scotland. You can read the BBC article here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-tayside-central-14649394

Here is some background on Steven Gough. He set off from Lands End in 2005 in an attempt to walk from there, across the country, until he would finally reach John O'Groats. It took him two short months to get to Scotland, still in 2005, and that is when his attempt stalled. Scottish law is very strict on public nudity and he has been arrested, re-arrested and sentenced to months on end in prison. Each time he has been released, each time he has stripped off to continue his journey and each time our finest boys in blue have re-arrested him and charged him. Today's sentence is only the latest in the past six years which has seen Mr. Gough in Scottish prison for the majority of the past decade.

I have a few problems with this, but most importantly, how is it in the public interest to keep Steven Gough in prison? Looking at a wrinkly naked body may not be the nicest thing to do in the world, but does that justify him spending seven years in prison? I generally dislike comparing prison sentences, but any Daily Mail reader will tell you that murders and rapists are getting lighter sentences. The crime that Mr. Gough is perpetually guilty of is 'breach of the peace' and 'contempt of court'. To be honest, putting someone in jail for so long for such minuscule crimes seems ridiculous.

There have been remarkably few complaints about Mr. Gough's nudity and far more messages sent to the Scottish authorities in support of him. I do not understand why this man should have to spend so much time locked up for being in the most natural state of dress there is. It is not as if he is breaking any sexual law or frightening or hurting anyone. He is a man who is sticking to his principles, and good on him. If someone wants to walk from Lands End to John O'Groats then good on them! This highlights how petty aspects of our legal system can be, and how little common sense the Scottish authorities seem to have.

It is common sense that the English authorities retained, never arresting him and never charging him when he walked the longest distance in his journey. I support Steven Gough, the Naked Rambler, and hope that eventually our authorities realise how pathetic and silly they are being. Nudity is not considered to be a serious problem amongst most of the public, yet it seems to be a huge problem in our legal system. Next time you are naked, whether it is in the shower tomorrow morning, or if you are about to start your own walk from Lands End to John O'Groats, spare a thought for a man who will eventually spend at least seven years in prison for daring to be natural. Free the Naked Rambler!

Morality in Film

There is a powerful scene in Batman: The Dark Knight, in which the Joker devises a moral experiment. Two ships are leaving Gotham, to escape the terrorism their city is being subject to. One of these ships is full of innocent civilians who are fleeing the city through their own free will, the other ship is filled with the inmates of Gotham's prison. Unbeknownst to them however, the two ships have been filled to the rafters with explosives (not something worth checking during a period of extended terrorism evidently), but crucially each ship has also been given a detonator.

"Why would they give us a detonator to our own bomb?" one of the crew members aboard one of the ships asks.

Fortunately the Joker fills us in. It was he who filled the two ships with explosives, and he is about to conduct a social experiment. The detonator in the possession of the first ship is the one which will explode the second ship, and the detonator which will explode the first ship is in the possession of the second. The Joker explains that they have one hour to make a decision. One ship must blow up the other one, by the end of that hour, or the Joker will explode both ships. Effectively the only way to ensure survival is to destroy the other ship.

This poses a few moral questions. First of all, is it acceptable to kill others if it is to save yourself? Secondly, is it more acceptable to kill those who are on the prison ship, as they are convicts unlike the innocent people on the other ship? Thirdly, will the 'immoral' prisoners blow up the other ship to survive as they have no moral problem with letting others die?

In the film neither ship detonates the other, although all three questions are explored. Eventually Batman prevents the Joker from destroying either ship, and all live to tell the tale. Those on the civilian ship decide that even though the other ship is full of criminals, it is still immoral to blow them up. On the prison ship it is a large, tattooed man is the one who does the moral thing, and throws the detonator off the ship. Human spirit and morality prevails. More necessarily, a fairly liberal idea of what is right and what is wrong prevails.

I realised that the reason this is surprising is not because it is unrealistic (though I fear it may be), but because it is uncommon for this theme to be explored like that on film. It seems more common for these moral dilemmas to justify immoral actions, and for the situation to resolve itself with no immoral act taking place is quite surprising.

Take the immensely popular 24 for example. In this scenario the terribly exciting Jack Bauer is fighting to prevent a terrorist from detonating a Nuclear bomb. He finds the man who he is sure is responsible (incidentally this man is both clothed in traditional Muslim clothing and he is found in a Mosque) and thus Bauer decides he must extract information. Unfortunately though there is only a few hours before this bomb is due to explode, and our terrorist has decided to be a little difficult and is refusing to answer Mr. Bauer's questions.

Jack Bauer procedes to torture the terrorist.

This is known in philosophy as the 'Ticking Time Bomb' scenario. It is used, occasionally, in an attempt to show that torture can be justified. If torture is going to prevent the detonation of a bomb, which will kill innocent people, then surely it is acceptable to torture a terrorist. It plays to a utilitarian idea. It is better to hurt one person in order to save many, than to let this man go torture free but let innocent people die.

It is quite a powerful argument, but one which is flawed. Unfortunately torture does not work. Torture makes people more angry and even less likely to divulge crucial information. It does not achieve anything.

So when Jack tortures the terrorist with extremely upsetting and disturbing psychological torture, the terrorist would clearly get angry and refuse to help the Counter-Terrorist Unit find the bomb...well not quite. Quite oddly the torture works (not only does it work, it works really quickly, and really effectively), the terrorist tells Jack Bauer the information he needs and eventually Jack saves the day and looks bloody cool doing it.

The scary thing about this episode is it aired at a time when the American government was coming under pressure and criticism over 'enhanced interrogation techniques'. America was torturing people in Guantanamo Bay and torturing prisoners of War in Iraq and Afghanistan. Legal documents where created to make torture effectively illegal, wording was produced so that international law would not prohibit the use of torture and the ticking time bomb case was used to justify American foreign policy.

Perhaps I am seeing something that was not there, but is it just possible that the idea of making a difficult decision in a moral dilemma is being used in film to justify the politics and foreign policy of America? I wonder.

My Hatred of Peter Dickson

This is just a rant. There is nothing clever, or interesting or fascinating about this blog post. If you want to read about politics or Rupert Murdoch or people dying in hospitals (it's a hospital, what do you expect? The news are going on about it as if five deaths in a hospital is some sort of surprise!) then go to the Guardian website. No, this is just pure, personal annoyance. I can't fucking stand the voice of Peter Dickson. There are a few people who have annoying voices, perhaps even more annoying than Mr. Dickson's. The difference is, unlike Peter Dickson, most people do not rely on their voice for their work.

If you are wondering exactly who Peter Dickson is, he is That voice-over man. You may not know his name but you will definitely have heard his voice. He does the voice-over work for The X-Factor, Live at the Apollo, most E4 adverts and Britain's Got Talent. It feels as if every programme in the UK which uses an announcer has to get Peter Dickson in. It has almost become the law. The programmes which do not use him (the only ones I have found whilst researching this rant are Strictly Come Dancing and the Lottery...that is is) stick out like a sore thumb.

He is the bloke who has a 'ruddy' good time, speaking like he is from some by-gone era that we are all aware of, even though it never existed. I cringe every time I heard it. It is so distinctive that it is a comedy voice. It is not a normal voice, and I highly doubt he speaks like that in his day to day life. Herein lies the problem. When I first heard his voice on E4 I found it quite amusing. It was different and clearly a joke voice. I don't think I literally laughed out loud, but I certainly found it amusing...the first time I heard it...five years ago. But now, in 2011, every time I want to see the Talent that Britain has to offer, I have to listen to that comedy voice. Every time I want to listen to Simon Cowell's opinions on the newest crop of bubblegum pop singers, I have to listen to that comedy voice. Every time I want to watch mainstream comedians doing shortened versions of their sets that I already saw at the previous year's Edinburgh festival, I have to listen to that comedy voice.

The problem is, now that his voice is being used in a non-comedic way, but it still retains the comedic distinction, it is as if that voice is somehow normal. Because it is on television all the time it has almost become the voice of our generation. In twenty five years time when Chanel Four is putting on a Saturday night documentary about television in the early 21st century, there will be a blur of images with his voice everywhere. I can't fucking stand it. I want to see normal voice overs on TV. Peter Dickson is ruining television.

Top Five T Moments

I have already written a blog about which five acts I enjoyed the most at T in the Park this year, but festivals are about more than just watching bands. There is a great atmosphere which means there are always special moments which will live long in the memory. I have decided to list my top five. A top five without flares or even the really fat man who was lifted up by about 10 people in the crowd during The Strokes, but here they are:

5. 'Fuck You Scotland!' - OFWGKTA

After House of Pain finished a fantastic set the next band due on the NME stage where called 'OFWGKTA'. Myself, like many others, where intrigued about this act with their impossible to pronounce name (I have subsequently found out that they are initials for Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All, whatever that means). It turned out they where an angry rap band with a fondness for the word 'Bitch' and shouting. We lasted one song before leaving, along with about half of the NME stage crowd. One of the 'singers' of OFWGKTA reacted like all angry rap band members should do, by screaming 'Fuck You Scotland' at the fiercely nationalist crowd. We laughed, went for a slash and made our way to the Main Stage to watch a set by a former Guns n Roses guitarist.

4. We Came Here To Dance, Not To Exercise!

At 2:45 PM on Sunday at Balado Air Field the heavens opened and there was rain so bad it went through my jacket, through my cardigan, through my T-shirt, through my jeans, boots and even undies. It was miserable, wet and cold. It didn't matter though, we where standing in the Inner Circle waiting to see Blondie. Who cares about rain when we have Blondie coming along to lift our spirits? However, at 3pm instead of being treated to a seminal pop/punk band from New York, two excitable young X-Factor wannabes took to the stage in eighties style spandex. They ran on and told the crowd that they where there to get us all dancing to Salt n Pepa's 'Push It'. They then ran through the entire dance and played the song, to a chorus of booing. The entire crowd seemed to boo. We were wet, we were cold, we were tired and we wanted Blondie! The two dancers where organised by the Scottish Government as part of a 'Keep Scotland Fit' campaign. Apparently in a place where all we do is dance, cheer and jump, what was needed was the government to get us dancing... I felt a little sorry for the two dancers who had boos and bottles hurled at them, but it really was not the time or place. I think the moment they finally left the stage elicited one of the largest cheers of the entire festival.

3. Mud Slides! Mud Hugs! Mud, Mud, Mud!

Walking back to the campsite on Sunday night involved mud. You couldn't avoid it, the place was covered. More impressively however where the legends who went for large mud slides. They got absolutely covered and would invariably chase anyone who looked in the least bit clean in order to give them a big muddy hug. Only in a music festival would you see a huge mud monster chasing a clean girl who is concerned that she might get a little mud on her! Mud slides, mud hugs and mud fights where the order of the evening. Funniest muddy moment had to include the people slipping over, often face first, right into the muddy oblivion. Poor buggers, but secretly really really funny. I just hope none of them slipped in the mud around the urinals.

2. Bohemian Rhapsody

Late on Sunday I ventured down to the Ballroom Jam Tent in order to get a good position for Eels. Before Eels however Noah and the Whale where due to play. Just before Noah and the Whale where about to go on stage there was an instrumental version of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody played over the sound system. The tent was absolutely packed and everyone in there knew the song, word for word. It was a great sing along which reverberated and echoed throughout the packed tent. There where a few great sing-alongs throughout the festival, but there was something particularly good about Bohemian Rhapsody.

1. Thank You, and Good Bye...

Sunday happened to not only be the last day of T in the Park 2011 but also the date of the last ever edition of disgraced gutter rag 'The News of the World'. Instead of apologising for phone hacking scandal, the paper ran with the front page 'Thank you, and Good Bye'. Jarvis Cocker seemed quite angry at this. Cocker ranted about the 'News of the World' and produced a copy of the last ever edition. He then proceeded to remove the first page and wipe it against his backside, shouting 'This is the only good thing this bloody paper has been useful for in 168 years'.

Here are some photos of the incident (note, not taken by me):

Cocker during his rant about the 'news'paper.

And about five minutes later showing us what he thinks:

Pulp had a fantastic set and Jarvis Cocker's actions and obvious hatred of the Murdoch-owned paper was brilliant. All in all that makes up my top five moments of T in the Park 2011.

Stingy Bastard Week

After spending a ludicrous amount on and at T in the Park I looked at my balance online and was almost sick. I have not had this little money since before I got my current job and as I have tuition fees to pay for and do not yet have a job lined up for when I move to Glasgow I was, quite frankly, frightened.

I therefore decided to live on a budget of £20 per week for the foreseeable future (well, lets face it, until the Edinburgh Festival when I will be spending the best part of that for two pints). It was then that I remembered that I have a freezer full of food and a cupboard with a bit of food left in it as well. It made me realise that I do not actually need to spend any money whatsoever on food. I have decided to see if I can go a week without spending a penny on anything. It is currently 6pm on Tuesday the 12th of July, I want to go until 6pm on the 19th without having spent a penny.

I plan on doing this through various means. First of all, as I already alluded to, I have a fair amount of food in my freezer. This is a mixture of food I bought frozen, and food I bought which I knew I would not eat in time and therefore froze to keep safe. Recently I have become a lot more serious about not throwing out perfectly reasonable food, and now that is paying dividends.

Secondly, I have a few tins of soup and spaghetti hoops. These last a while and hopefully they will last me the week.

Thirdly, I have booze that I bought for T in the Park and have not yet consumed. This includes the best part of a box of wine and four tins of lager. I do not need to drink much and as I am working this week should hopefully keep the booze safe for some time past my week of non-spending.

Fourthly, I get food provided at work. For our breaks we are allowed food, usually a full meal from the hot-plate. All too often I decide I only fancy a small bowl of soup or a simple sandwich. From my shift tomorrow onwards I will make sure I eat a full meal so I am less hungry when I get home. Work also tends to throw out a few sandwiches and scones at the end of the day. I occasionally take one home when offered by the managers, now I will endeavour to take food home and eat it whenever the managers allow me to. Why let food which will be binned anyway go to waste? Particularly if I am trying to save money.

All in all I suppose I am trying to save money, but also show myself how I am spending money when I do not need to. I sort of hate myself for spending money on frivolous things when I do not have to. If I can go a week without spending money it will hopefully be the proof I need that I am spending too much and buying too much quite needlessly. This should also help me waste even less food as I have a loaf of bread and some bagels. Now I know I will not let them go off before eating them.

It is almost 6pm, and hence I start my week of not spending any money!

Top Five T in the Park Acts

Freshly showered and shaved after returning from Balado, I had been sitting watching highlights of T on the BBC website. As expected the majority of bands I enjoyed were not filmed for TV. To remedy this I have decided to create a short post listing the five acts I enjoyed the most. I enjoyed T, even though I thought the line-up was poor. Unlike the last time I attended there where only a couple of bands I really wanted to see. Whilst the headliners where no doubt impressive names, I thought the smaller bands where disappointing. Though of-course I still had a thoroughly enjoyable time, and there where a few moments which where absolutely thrilling. Here they are in descending order.

5. House of Pain

It turns out they are more than just 'Jump Around'. Beginning with a tribute to Nate Dogg, House of Pain had the crowd in a good mood whilst the sun was out. I have often found rap acts to be poor live as often they seem little more than angry men shouting at a crowd of people. House of Pain were not like this, they got the crowd going and used live music. They closed with 'Jump Around' which had the entire NME stage jumping up and down.

4. Slash

We made our way to the Main Stage to witness the former Guns n Roses guitarist play after watching the quite frankly scary OFGWKTA (The chorus of their first song appeared to be 'KNOCK KNOCK...BITCH' and when that rather interesting shouty rap song was finished one of the members shouted 'FUCK YOU SCOTLAND' to the crowds of us who where leaving, unsure of what sort of performance the NME Stage where welcoming). Slash was fantastic, he played four Guns n Roses songs along with two Velvet Revolver songs and got the crowd going fantastically. Paradise City as their departing song was brilliant with the crowd continuing to sing the chorus long after they left the stage. Love them or hate them, it's hard to deny that Guns n Roses songs get the crowd going.

3. Woodenbox With a Fistful of Fivers

Absolutely fantastic live performance. They played the T-Break stage (stage for unsigned bands, usually those with a fair bit of hype behind them) on Saturday afternoon and where the first band who I really got into. Unfortunately I had found Friday fairly boring (apart from the fear of suffocation in amidst the Pendulum crowd) and the first couple of bands I saw on Saturday where disappointing. Woodenbox really kicked off the festival for me. With a pint of cold lager in one hand I watched them perform a set which included their best songs. First time I've seen them live and really think they come into their own onstage.

2. Pulp

Pulp! An utterly brilliant performance. One of the last bands I saw but just incredible. Jarvis Cocker engaged with the audience better than anyone else I saw during the festival. I particularly enjoyed seeing him take out a copy of the News of the World (as in the last one ever) only to rub it against his arse like toilet roll whilst shouting 'The only good thing this paper has done in 168 years". Apart from Cocker's theatrics the music itself was performed brilliantly. The atmosphere in the Golden Circle was better than I thought it was at any other point. They kicked off the start of a fantastic Sunday evening.

1. Eels

Simply wonderful. Eels have such a rich catalogue of songs to play and they chose their set list wisely. The band walked on, all with beards, aviators and all of them looking dapper with either suit jackets or waistcoats on. The choreography was brilliant and done professionally (apart from the slightly out of tune rendition of 'Happy Birthday' performed for the guitarist). Personal favourite part of their set was 'Novocaine for the Soul/I Like Birds'. After finishing the former the band immediately blasted into a sped up version of the latter with the audience being left to shout 'BIRDS!' as quickly as we could muster before the musicians played again.

I snapped a picture of Mr E. and the bassist Koool J Murder:

Eels where not only the best band I saw, but the final band. It was great to end T on such a high, and whilst it was not a great T it was a great time.

Top Five Ways of Detecting a Philosophy Student

Last week I finally finished my four-year philosophy degree and graduated. Whilst the degree taught me a fair bit about philosophy, it taught me a hell of a lot more about how to be a philosophy student. Philosophy students are spreading, and whilst councils are putting 'Zombie Attack Survival Procedures' into place (seriously) many are unaware of the threat of philosophy students. Unlike Zombies, philosophy students are hard to detect, some of them look like real people!

After four years in their ranks I have learnt a thing or two about them. Now that I have rejoined humanity, I feel it is my duty to devise a list of five ways to detect a philosophy student.

1. An Unhealthy Love of The Smiths

The best advice every given to me was directly quoted from the book 'He Died with a Felafel In His Hand' by John Birmingham. He warned that, under no circumstances, must you flatshare with a fan of The Smiths. Unfortunately this prohibits you from living with anyone who has ever stepped into a philosophy lecture. Along with vegetarianism and depression, being a fan of The Smiths is almost a prerequisite of being a philosophy student. Personally I think the vegetarianism and depression has more to do with Morrissey than it does philosophy though.

2. Drinks Red Wine and Black Coffee

Look for the teeth. Some of us are clever and use 'Whitening' toothpaste to hide the abuse that constant consumption of red wine and black coffee does to our teeth. During the afternoon the philosophy student can be found sipping coffee at the artisan independent coffee shop, sneering at those who walk past with Frozen Skinny Gingerbread Lattes in Starbucks cups. By night they are in the pub, talking about Sartre, with a bottle of red wine which they are already planning on turning into a candle holder.

3. Avoids Anything Even Imitating a Stylist

Unkempt hair? Has a beard or hangs around with those with beards? Baggy T-shirt with 'Meat is Murder' embezzled on the front? Yep, you have found yourself a philosophy student. Tell tale sign is the obvious attempts at them cutting their own hair. If you need a pair of scissors then find a philosophy student.

4. Smokes Roll-Up Cigarettes

Not all philosophy students smoke (myself including), but those who do seem to exclusively smoke roll up cigarettes. In four years of mingling with philosophy students the act of rolling a cigarette was as second nature to many of them as putting a Latin phrase into regular conversation.

5. Hates Everyone Constantly Quoting Friedrich Nietzsche

People who do not study Philosophy seem to know two philosophical phrases, one is 'I think therefore I am', the other is 'God is Dead'. The problem with the latter is it appears as if everyone who quotes Nietzsche has absolutely no idea what he meant. Quote Nietzsche in front of a philosophy student and make wild claims about what it means and watch them roll their cigarette with fury.

So there we have it, the five tell-tale signs that you have a philosophy student on your hand. Stock up on loose tobacco, red wine and good coffee in preparation of the Philosophy Student apocalypse.

Top Five Words I'm Bringing Back!

Since moving down to the central belt of Scotland I have noticed that many of the words and expressions I grew up using are not used down here. I have had people get confused at things I say, people laugh at what I say and people even refusing to believe that the words I am using are 'real' words. Quite frankly, I am sick of it. I am sick of going to a chippy and not a chipper, I am sick of eating bacon rolls instead of bacon softies and if I hear one more person put 'eh?' at the end of every sentence instead of the far more normal work of 'like?' then I think I am going to get on a bussie (not bus) home.

I was going to compile a list for people unfortunate enough to have been born outwith the North East of Scotland of what words should actually be used, but then I noticed that even regular British English terms, such as 'biscuit', are being replaced with Americanised rubbish, like 'cookie'.

Perhaps five is not enough, but welcome to my list of the top five words and phrases which I am bringing back into regular conversation!

5. Fairy Cake - Replacing 'Cup Cake'

Agh! Fairy cake is such a fantastic term. There is no noun in the English language which cannot be improved without the word 'Fairy' preceding it. Yet for some reason it seems increasingly popular to call the poor little things 'Cup Cakes'. The term offends me deeply. I was heartened by the BBC website yesterday when I noticed that they had a recipe for 'Fairy Cakes', not 'Cup Cakes'. As far as I am concerned they have just justified the license fee.

4. Chipper - Replacing 'Chippie'

On twitter today I courted controversy by ranting about the term 'Chippie'. I hate the term 'Chippie'. To me a chippie is a stone (literally a chipped stone), similar to a chuckie, yet it seems that since I have moved down to the central belt of Scotland that everyone calls it a 'Chippie'. To me it always has been, and always will be a chipper. Could you imagine going to the 'World Famous Bervie Chippie'? Of course not! Yet four separate people on twitter and two more on facebook rejected 'Chipper' for 'Chippy'. I fear I may be too late on this one.

3. Softie - Replacing 'Roll'

A softie is a round bread thing. It seems to be called a 'roll' here in Edinburgh, and possibly other parts of the UK as well. However where I am from, and I am sure much of the UK, the correct term is 'Softie'. The term 'roll', is just confusing. Firstly if you go into a bakers and ask for a 'Roll' how do you know if you will end up walking home with a bread roll or if you will end up with a Buttery or Rowie? Secondly, if you want a sausage softie, how do you ask for it? Ask any self-respecting bakers for a Sausage Roll and they will give you the savoury pastry snack, not the sausage softie you require!

2. Advertisement - Replacing 'Advertisement'

I admit this one makes very little sense written down as both words are spelt the same and mean the exact same thing but are pronounced completely differently. An Advertisement should be pronounced 'Advertis-ment', however it seems to be becoming increasingly common to hear people pronounce it 'Advertize-ment'. It is a pet hate of mine but everyone from members of my own family to people on television seem to be watching 'Advertize-ments' instead of 'advertisements'. It is almost as bad as people who send out 'invites' instead of 'invitations'.

1. Quine - Replacing 'Girl'

I use the term 'girl' all the time, and very occasionally use the word 'lassie'. In fact I almost never call girls 'quines' in regular speech. Growing up in an area where 'Quine' is commonly used I still said 'girl' instead. However this must change. 'Quine' is a fantastic word, it rolls off the tongue, it sounds brilliant and really girls should be called 'quines' and treated as 'quines'. If you are wondering the North East term for 'boy' is actually 'loon'. Really boys should be called 'loons'... I am taking it upon myself to start calling girls 'Quines' from now on. It is time to take my language back!

Last Day on Earth

"Have you any last words?" The coroner asked me, tiredly.

"Shit" I muttered. I had written some stuff down, some great stuff about the hypocrisy of the church and the injustices which had got me into such trouble. These days the last words are spoken before the Priest reads out the last rites. In my head I liked the juxtaposition between my anti-theistic rant and the Priest going on about my soul being saved. Unfortunately though in a lapse of concentration I had left my notes in my cell. I knew I could make something up on the spot but I knew it would not have the same punch. What did it matter then anyway?

"No," I answered solemnly, "Shit will do."

My wife who was sitting in the public gallery gave me a disapproving look, as if I should somehow be recognising her. 'Fuck her.' I thought. If I am unable to rant about the hypocrisy of religion then why should I waste my last words on her?

"Shall we?" I remember asking. Ultimately they would prove to be my absolute final earthly words, 'Shall we?' Not the final punch I was looking for but I was tired and it seemed that the only person in the room with any interest in proceedings, the Priest, was getting anxious to get his part out of the way.

I had met Father Mann just once before, a couple of days before. He was young, very young. I still couldn't get over the idea of calling someone that young "Father".

He walked into my cell that day and timidly sat down. "Are you nervous?" was the first thing he said after introducing himself. I told him I was not. I knew that once I died I would be buried in the ground, or burned in a casket or maybe thrown off a boat but by then it would not matter, I would be dead.

"I'm nervous" he said. He was too. I was to be his first. I was going to be his first capital punishment case. I smiled at him. I suppose it made me happy that whilst it would be the end of something special for me, it would be the beginning of something special for him.

"May the blessing of God Almighty the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost descend upon you and remain with you always." Father Mann said. I remember being somewhat put out that there was only one line said, then again it was his first time so the less to remember the better and why waste a decent prayer on a notorious Atheist anyway?

There was a pause. It was sort of awkward, at least I found it awkward. It seemed to last forever, this pause after the Priest had finished. Everything had turned somewhat sombre. Perhaps they where reflecting on the deep meaning behind what Father Mann had just said. Either way I could not cope with it any more.

"Shall We?" I repeated as I nodded towards the noose.

A hood was put over my head and darkness seemed to descend. I could hear the coroner repeating my crime and sentence as I felt the noose slip across my neck. Finally it was over. What they fail to tell you when you are sentenced to hang is how utterly boring it all is. Instead of just getting you in there, killing you and getting you out of there they force a sick ceremony upon you. Maybe it is to make them feel better about what they are doing or to try and put meaning on it. It just bored me. There is nothing meaningful about death, no matter how to dress it up.

With the noose tied around me, and another moment of silence I fell.

"You should have closed your eyes," the man with the wings said "you should see what your body looks like with your eyes popping out like that."

Top Five Biscuit Dipping

For anyone who follows me on twitter you may have seen my constant complaining and whining about having to study for exams, having to do exams and worry about what my results are going to be like. Exam period is the one time of year I hate more than any other, I inevitably put on weight, consider taking up smoking and contemplate ripping the vocal chords out of my beloved, but persistently annoying, cat.

However there is one advantage; I drink shit-loads of tea. With tea comes biscuits to dip into it. I tried, over the past month or so, dipping with five different biscuits, so starting with the worst and leading to the best, here are the top five biscuits to dip with.

5. Jamie Dodgers

I love Jamie Dodgers, I love shortbread, I love jam, I love them together. Because of this I was dismayed to discover that they do not dip well. The biscuit part became soggy but the jam was resilient, leading to this odd sensation somewhere between chewy and soggy. Chewy goes with hard, it does not go with soggy.

Dip Rating - 1/10

4. HobNobs

Only number four!? Yes, the 'classic' dipping biscuit is fairly low on my list. Don't get me wrong, they are resilient but to me they are actually too resilient. I like the biscuits to get a little bit soggy but you have to dip the humble hobnob four to five times simply to get the desired result. That much dipping is a lot of effort whilst trying to get through The Critique of Pure Reason.

Dip Rating - 4/10

3. Rich Tea Fingers

I perhaps made a rookie mistake here by selecting rich tea fingers, rather than their classic bigger brother of the traditional rich tea. Taste wise there was no biscuit which suited tea better than the rich tea, however one dip and the finger would be so soggy it fell into the tea more often than not. Fishing the soggy biscuit residue from the bottom of a tea cup takes away from the whole dipping experience. Best for taste, worst for dip so Rich Tea Fingers finish third. Perhaps if I had gone for the real rich teas there would be a different winner, alas I did not.

Dip Rating - 5/10

2. Chocolate Fingers

Whilst the rich tea fingers were not up to the dipping task, the same cannot be said for the chocolate finger. The heat of the tea melted the chocolate which allowed it to ooze down as I brought the little finger to my mouth. Absolutely fantastic. Only real negative was that unfortunately the biscuit itself was a little insulated from the chocolate. A very close second to the eventual winner though.

Dip Rating - 9/10

1. Abernethy

I only ever tried my first Abernethy biscuit a couple of years ago, but they are pretty good. On their own they are fairly humble, straight forward, sweet, hard biscuits. However they come into their own when you add tea. The sweetness of the biscuit is a perfect combination with the tea and the natural hardness of the biscuit gives it durability for dipping, but not so much that the desired sogginess cannot be achieved. Lovely simple looking biscuits which dip perfectly. If you are sitting with a cup of tea and about to dip a biscuit right now and it is not an Abernethy then I pity you. Fantastic and my number one choice for tea dipping enjoyment.

Dip Rating - 10/10

Currently I am waiting for my results, my final ever results for my course, the ones that decide my final undergraduate results. If I do not get the grade I want then at least, I will have achieved something in my degree. A deeper knowledge of tea and biscuits.

Top 5 Philosophical Latin Phrases

In the midst of studying for an Epistemology exam I have been struck with the volume of Latin phrases employed by philosophers to convey their theories. With the beginning of the early modern period in philosophical writing the idea of using Latin exclusively for philosophy was thrown out the window, but philosophers knew that reciting Latin would make stoned future students sound more profound and intelligent than they actually are so determined that the names of their key concepts would sound better in Latin.

In descending order here are my top 5 philosophical latin phrases to make you sound more intelligent than you actually are.

5. Tabula Rasa - Blank Slate

Tabula Rasa was a phrase employed most famously by John Locke. He claimed that humans are born without any innate knowledge, the mind being born as a blank slate. Locke is an empiricist and who believed that any knowledge we acquire comes from our senses meaning the mind must be born as a tabula rasa.

4. Bellum Omnium Contra Omnes - The War of All against All

Thomas Hobbes envisaged something called the State of Nature which is similar to a brutish and war-like Original Position. It is a situation before a state and before a law system has been created. Hobbes wrote during the English Civil War and it perhaps shows in his vision of such a horrific concept of what humanity would be like in a state of nature. The Hobbesian state of nature is one where every man is at war with every man, in a brutish, short and miserable life and makes up the basis for the Hobbesian state. Bellum Omnium Contra Omnes was a phrase he used to describe the fighting he believed would occur in such a situation.

3. Ens Causa Sui - Cause of Oneself (sort of)

Causa Sui has been used by a number of theorists and philosophers, but it is in the existentialist context used by Jean-Paul Sartre that I first became aware of the term. Sartre wrote in 'Being and Nothingness' that man seeks completion and religion does this through God. He used the term Ens Causa Sui to refer to this.

2. A Priori and A Posteriori

Unlike the previous phrases A Priori and A Posteriori are not used or synonymous with any single philosopher but are common to many. The two phrases are unavoidable when it comes to Epistemology and are common to philosophy students from a standard grade RMPS level. A Priori knowledge is that which we know independently from knowledge, e.g. 'All sisters are female', whilst A Posteriori is knowledge attained and proved through empirical evidence, e.g. 'Some sisters are unhappy'. Both terms are used commonly in philosophy and it is rare to see the literal English translation.

1. Cogito Ergo Sum - I Think Therefore I Am

No surprises at what I've put at number one. Everyone knows this phrase. Without a doubt it is the most famous phrase in philosophy and one that is used by philosophers and non-philosophers alike. Unfortunately this means that it is miss-represented constantly by people who have not studied philosophy. It was used by Descartes in an attempt to prove that he does exist. He used a thought-experiment called the 'Methodological Skepticism' in which he showed that as senses are fallible it is impossible to really know the existence of anything, but by thinking about whether oneself exists is proof in itself that one does indeed exist. I think therefore I am.

And there we have it, the top five Latin phrases to use to show how philosophically intelligent you are. Now roll a joint, grow your hair and speak with that arrogance only a person who has learnt some deep sounding philosophical phrases can.

The Nationalists

This is an old blog post I wrote on another blog I used to use. Given the Holyrood election results I thought I may as well post it here. Enjoy.

I was struck by something an SNP activist told me earlier today, he said ‘I feel sorry for people in England, if I lived there I wouldn’t know who to vote for.’ He, knowing I am a member of the Labour party, was probably trying to get a rise out of me. An attempt at fishing to try and get into the debate SNP supporters love so much about whether any of the three ‘London parties’ are in fact different at all. Rather than go down this tedious route I told him ‘That is because your social cleavage is your nationality.’ He decided not to continue talking about that and instead canvassed me about the renewal of Trident.

It made me think though, about how SNP voters view politics. I believe that supporters of the three main UK parties look at politics based on an ideology of sorts. Be it conservative, liberal, social liberal, libertarian, socialist or otherwise. Based on that ideology we perhaps find the party we feel best fits that ideology or the one which has the most policies that fall into our chosen category. I am unsure if this is the way the Nats view their political beliefs. The nationalist who spoke to me this morning was wearing a Scotland soccer shirt for instance, and spoke in a very broad Scottish accent (one I cynically felt he was over-emphasising for effect). Although he spoke to me about policy I felt it was his Scottishness that defined his politics, something so alien to me. This man was a Scottish person therefore his politics needed to be Scottish. I am a social democrat, therefore my politics need to be social democratic. I am also Scottish and happy to be so, but mixing national pride with politics is something frightening to me but I am beginning to think that is perhaps how the Nationalists view the political landscape.

Where Next for Scottish Labour

Scotland is now firmly in the hands of the nationalists. After a resounding defeat Labour are left licking their wounds and we now have to wonder what to do next and figure out where it all went wrong.

This was Labour's failure and Labour's election to lose. They just did not get the message across.

I had a look at my constituency which was an SNP gain from Labour. The Labour Candidate (Sarah Boyack) actually increased the number of votes and increased her share of the vote compared to the last election. Last time she won with a fairly sizeable majority, a full 2,000 votes ahead of the SNP candidate.

This year was a different story. Although more people in this constituency voted for Ms Boyack she lost.

The loss came from the Liberal Democrats. The Lib Dem candidate lost 3,000 votes compared to this time four years ago, the majority of which went straight to the SNP candidate, leaving the SNP winning the seats by just 250 seats.

It is clear from this that the Labour losses didn't come from Labour supporters, but came from dissatisfied Liberal Democrat voters turning the back on the unionist parties and voting for the Nats.

But why?

Quite simply it is because Scottish Labour gave them no reason to vote for them. Labour's manifesto was dire, it was left of center but not particularly progressive. It promised certain policies, like keeping tuition fees free, that would entice Lib Dem supporters, but crucially they where policies the SNP also supported.

Labour need to become the liberal-left force in Scotland.

I voted for Ed Miliband as leader because he was the progressive candidate. Not the left-wing candidate, but the candidate best suited to put forward left-liberal policies. Socially liberal ideas with a left leaning stance.

That is what Scotland needs and that is what Britain needs.

Scottish Labour need to show they are the progressive party that they are becoming down south, other wise they risk never getting back their key Scottish support base.

Weirdest Policies We've Passed

Earlier today Conservative fear figure Nadine Dorries tabled a ten minute rule motion which would require girls between 13-16 to be educated on the 'benefits of abstinence'. As with most ten minute motion's it passed, albeit by a tiny margin, and as with most ten minute motions it has not got a snowball's chance in hell (or a Tory candidate's chance in Scotland) of getting through. There is nothing surprising about any of this really, but today Twitter went crazy as if the policy had passed and this will become law. It won't. It did get me to thinking, what are the wackiest ideas and policies to ever go through our parliament?

Here are my top five.

Passports for Pets

The idea of giving animals passports as well as humans was first proposed by the humorous Monster Raving Loony Party, but in 2001 the Labour government actually put this into place. Technically it is an internationally recognised document which shows they have no diseases and is an attempt at curtailing any spread of rabies, and it has been adopted by countries all across the world. However, this party was originally the fantasy of Screaming Lord Sutch and his Monster Raving Looney colleagues.

Suicide Punishable By Death

In 1845 there was briefly a law which passed through the UK parliament which made the crime for breaking the law the death penalty. It was quickly repealed but for a short period of time those who attempted to take one's own life but failed would have the state for back up. In the 1800's the punishment really did fit the crime.

No Celebrations this Christmas

During the brief years we did not have a monarchy, we also did not have a Christmas to celebrate. In 1644 Oliver Cromwell passed an act of parliament banning us from celebrating Christmas. Although Christmas itself was still marked we were not allowed to celebrate it due to the new puritan nature of the government. No doubt back then abstinence was taught to more than just 13-16 year old girls.

Keep It Down

There is a proviso in the current UK copyright law which prevents us from playing music too loud. Technically if any music that you own is played loud enough for anyone other than yourself to hear then you are breaking the law. That means if you have your iPod on too loud on the tram and someone working for the 'Performing Rights Society' they technically have the right to take you to court and claim royalties. Where it gets really bizarre is according to the same law if they hear music on the radio emitting from your house or earphones the same law is broken, even though it is legal for the radio to play the music themselves.

No Booze on a Sunday

Until as recently as two years ago you could not buy alcohol on a Sunday morning in Scotland. It was a law which had existed in the UK for centuries, but the English, Welsh and Northern Irish had the good sense to change it. In Scotland however, the country which not only has the least amount of Christians anywhere in the UK but also has the most drinkers, you could not buy alcohol on a Sunday at all until a couple of decades ago and until two years ago could not buy it until 12:30. When the law did change we where allowed to purchase alcohol at any time on any day between 10am and 10pm on every day except... a Sunday. On a Sunday you must buy your alcohol before 8pm.

All in all although Nadine Dorries may be trying to push through a draconian and pointless law, it won't be for the first time. We have had odd laws, weird laws, scary laws and funny laws in the past, and no doubt we will have them in the future.

Thanks Again Nick Clegg

One day before the Scottish election it is already clear that the SNP will remain the largest party in Holyrood. Some opinion polls put the Nationalists almost 10 points ahead of Labour in the race for the Scottish Parliament. This, considering how far ahead Labour where in polls just a few months ago, seems surprising.

The frustrating thing is, it all seems to have happened because of the coalition government in Westminster. By that I do not mean voters decided that the best way to deal with a Tory-led government is by having a spew of nationalism, but due to the complete capitulation of the Liberal Democrats. Liberal Democrat supporters down south may be satisfied with the government, and may not mind that they are cosying up to the political equivalent of Lex Luthar, but up here they do. The same polls which suggest the SNP are so far ahead are showing the Liberal Democrats in fourth, and sometimes fifth place. Liberal democrat voters, it seems, are jumping ship, and where are they going? The Nationalists.

Don't get me wrong, if Labour had campaigned properly then perhaps the fall-out of Lib Dem voters would be swallowed up by Labour instead of the SNP, but had the Liberal Democrats not gone into power with the Tories down south then Labour would probably still be ahead in the polls.

It is frustrating to see a country which does not want independence from England (Poll results show less than a third of voters do) is going to be led by a government who want nothing but independence.

Unfortunately for Scottish Labour and the Scottish Liberal Democrats the best politicians our country produces decide to go to Westminster. Instead of going to our mickey mouse parliament which is full of sound-bites and the constant use of the word 'Scottish' to describe anything they are trying to get done, they have gone to the real parliament.

I would do the same. If I where planning on becoming a politician (don't worry, I'm not), I would be Labour in Westminster.

The same cannot be said for the Nats, because they actually care about the Scottish parliament more than the real parliament. To the extent that it is not longer the Scottish Executive that leads the country, but now it is the Scottish 'Government'. All the best Nationalists, the most charismatic, clever and vote-winning, remain up here in our parliament.

All in all Labour's campaign was doomed, and had we better Labour politicians remain in Holyrood maybe we could have picked up the Liberal Democrat disillusioned voters.

Although part of me would love to see the Lib Dems decimated, I hope they have a resurgence and take back some of these votes which have strayed to the Nationalists. The last thing this country needs is a government who spend half the time pursuing separatism.

Celebrating Hume's Tercentenary

Today marks 300 years since the birth of seminal philosophy, David Hume. Hume is widely considered to be one of the most influential and significant philosophers to ever write in the English language. He was at the forefront of the 'British Empiricism' movement and a promenant figure in the Scottish Enlightenment. Immanuel Kant once said, with reference to Hume, he "awoke me from my dogmatic slumber".

Living in the city Hume conducted most of his work and lived most of his life I decided to celebrate his 300th birthday by going on my own private Hume tour in sunny Edinburgh.

I began at the statue of David Hume which sits at pride of place on the Royal Mile:

Next I went to see the new Hume exhibition at the Scottish Writer's Museum next to Edinburgh Castle. The exhibition opened today and included first editions of his works as well as letters he wrote. Unfortunately I arrived whilst the press where viewing it and had to wait outside for nearly an hour. This is the outside of the building, no photography allowed inside:

After visiting the exhibit I walked to the Old Carlton Burial Site and went to the impressive grave of David Hume. It was quiet but very interesting to see, in a beautiful part of the city. Here I am there:

Note the morose look I have, not due to genuine sadness but because the French woman who took my photo (and had never heard of David Hume) thought it was insensitive to take a photo of someone's grave. I thought a smile might make it look even more insensitive!

Finally I took a photo of an interesting epitaph written on the monument:

It reads:

Behold I Come Quickly

Thanks be to GOD which

Giveth us the victory through

the Lord JESUS CHRIST

Quite interesting to see a man who was notoriously critical of religion (to the point he was blocked from becoming philosophy chair of the University of Edinburgh) to have such an overtly religious message on his grave site. Indeed, shortly after his death had his Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion published in which he argues extensively against the existence of God.

It was nice to enjoy the weather and visit memorials to David Hume. It is exciting that such an influential philosopher lived and worked in my city.

My one regret is I found out that there has been a commemorative Ale called 'Enlightenment' which is brewed in honour of David Hume. It even features his picture on the beer mats and logo. Unfortunately I found this out after I got home, but there is a pub on the Royal Mile that is selling it.

I think by the end of the week I shall have to get a real taste of Hume!

Are you with the Bride or Groom?

You may not know who Salman bin Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa is. If you lived in Bahrain however you probably would. Salman bin Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa (we will call him Salman for short) is considered responsible for quashing the uprising of pro-democracy protestors in Bahrain earlier this year. He directly ordered the destruction of the poetically named focal point, Pearl Roundabout and is regularly criticised by Human Rights group Amnesty International. Possibly the most shocking thing on his recent resume is the charge that he may have directly ordered the army to destroy a hospital full of civilians.

Yes, by all accounts a lovely bloke.

Unfortunately for most of us civilised folk, Salman is a prince, not only any prince but the heir apparent of Bahrain. This, unfortunately, makes him eligible for an invitation to the wedding of William and Kate.

Now despite this being protocol there is nothing to gain by inviting a murderous prince to our country to celebrate the Royal Wedding. He is a man who has wide-spread international condemnation and the Foreign Secretary William Hague has personally singled him out for criticism.

However not only has Prince Salman been invited to the wedding, he has accepted the invitation and will be on our shores next week. Yes, a man responsible for crushing pro-democracy rebellions, upholding a dictatorship and murdering innocent people is the type of person we have decided to invite to our country to celebrate with us.

The Real Problem is the Internet

It has been announced this evening (well last night technically) that the police have been working with Internet Service Providers to find out the home addresses of online bigots involved in Old Firm sectarian hate campaigns. At least 50 people have been targeted by the police, and ahead of the Celtic - Rangers showdown they will be raiding the home addresses of the internet hardmen in an attempt to prevent sectarianism.

Strathclyde police claim those that they are targeting have used sectarian terms to describe Celtic's manager Neil Lennon and people who have used racist terms online to describe Rangers hate figure El Hadji Diouf.

On the one hand I agree that sectarianism is a blight on our society. The vast majority of us want to see sectarianism eradicated, along with racism, sexism and homophobia. But what will this really achieve?

According to police figures domestic violence almost doubles on Old Firm game days. The rate of people in Glasgow attending A&E increases by over a third and Strathclyde police have to put an extra 1,000 officers on duty to try and prevent violence from breaking out. These statistics are shocking. When Celtic and Rangers play there are a large and vocal minority who sing offensive songs which glorify the IRA and express prejudice against Catholics.

This needs to be stopped and I support police efforts to prevent violence and offensive singing at games. But does some eejit on twitter calling Neil Lennon a 'Fenian' really require their home to be raided? Is it worth the effort of not only arresting such people, but going through the difficult process of discovering the home address of someone using the internet pseudo-anonymously?

Do not get me wrong, anyone who uses such language I condemn, but people who sit on facebook or on forum websites using sectarian terms and holding archaic views are not the problem. It is the people who use football as an excuse to kick each other's heads in who are the poison in our country.

Maybe I am wrong, but I can't imagine the wee ned sitting on facebook acting hard and using offensive language is the same person who will spend the day kicking seven shades of shit out of anyone wearing the wrong coloured football top.

I may not like what they say, but the perceived anonymity provided by the internet will lead a lot of people who are quiet as a mouse in reality to act tough. After the recent case where Paul Chambers lost his job and was convicted due to making a joke on twitter about blowing up an airport I have began to fear that the police and the courts are misunderstanding the processes and actions of the internet. I also fear they will misunderstand irony.

All in all I do not want to see people convicted of inciting racial hatred, or menacing behaviour because they ignorantly tweeted something without thinking about any perceived consequences. I fear we will live in a society where everything written on the internet is not only taken seriously, but often taken as being a credible threat to decency. 99% of the time it is just a case of someone acting like an internet hard-man.

The Haar Is Coming!

This is the view from my flat's window. Instead of the normal view of the impressive Fettes College (Tony Blair's School don't you know, the Eton of the North) all I can see is the start of some trees and an incoming gray mist, looking like it is preparing to swallow my fair city whole.

'Haar' is a Scottish Term for the sea mist which envelops towns and cities near the coast. Because of this it always reminds me of the sea, and as depressing as grey clouds can be, there is something romantic and almost pretty about the incoming haar. I think it may just remind me of living in Aberdeen when I was young.

Unfortunately the picture does not show the haar properly. The greyish building at the front of the photo is slightly shrouded in mist in reality, yet in this picture it looks pretty clear. Tomorrow I might post a normal picture of the view so you can see how much of it is being obscured.

Celtic Fans Already Mourning Lennon's Death?

In the wake (sorry, couldn't resist the pun) of Neil Lennon's attempted murder from a parcel bomb the Scottish public have reacted in a few different ways. Most of us have condemned the actions, some have ignorantly shown support for the letter bombing, some have used this as evidence that the Old Firm game on Sunday should be played behind closed doors.

A certain group of Celtic fans, however, seem to have already decided that Neil Lennon is dead, by holding a Candlelight Vigil in Neil Lennon's name. Now to clarify not all candlelight vigils are done in memorial to lost ones. Some are done in order to show support or to protest the suffering of marginalised groups. Groups like Muslims living in Croatia under Milosevic, or a vigil to honour those who died protesting at Tiananmen Square. Groups who stood up and faced persecution and massacre from government and from the society they lived in.

Oh, and now Celtic fans. Apparently fans of a football team are now a marginalised group, suffering unduly because of the football team they support. Really? Now I condemn any death threats or any attempts at the murder of Neil Lennon or anyone else but a couple of absolute idiots sending parcel bombs is not exactly akin to all Celtic fans being persecuted. The vast majority of people in Scotland are not persecuted by anyone, no matter what football team someone supports. To suggest that they are is absolutely ridiculous.

Looking on Celtic supporters forums however you would think they are the most marginalised people in our society. They talk of their suffering at the hands of the rest of us. The claim that they, by holding this vigil, are the best fans in the world. In reality they just come across as absolute idiots. Not exactly the greatest fans in the world (Who, after the recent 4-0 win against my team Aberdeen where not only out-sung by a losing Aberdeen side but also many left early! Yes, seriously, the greatest fans in the world leave early from matches that they are winning 4-0, greatest fans in the world indeed.)

The most amusing comment came from a poster who claimed he loved Celtic because they where a football team who stood up against sectarianism in Scotland. Yes. One of the two football teams which has a sectarian problem is apparently standing up against sectarianism...somehow. He then went on to say that he loved Celtic and "everything represents."

Please tell me, what does Celtic FC represent? They are a football team, all they represent is a soccer team from a certain part of Glasgow. Nothing more, nothing else.

Whilst they stand their with their candles thinking that they are fighting some unknown enemy, standing up against persecution (whilst donating to the IRA on the sly) and congratulating themselves as being the greatest fans in the world they don't realise how much the rest of us are laughing at them and their stupid antics.

Football is about a game, nothing else nothing more.

Totally Addicted to Porn

According to a recent study one in four 18-24 year old males fear they may be addicted, or are at risk of becoming addicted, to pornography. Insiders in the UK Pornography industry claim they are not surprised by this statistic as the internet makes free pornography so easily accessible too many people from a young age. They claim that pornography on pay-per-view television, from magazines and from professional paid sites are not contributing to the rise in pornography addiction.

Unlike substance misuse, or a smoking addiction or even a caffeine addiction being addicted to accessing online pornography seems unlikely to physically harm someone, but it is the psychological damage which is worrying.

According to a certain strain of feminist thought pornography warps the male image of women. I doubt that a little bit of pornography would make the vast majority of male consumers believe women are inferior, or merely sexual objects, but I think this argument is an increasingly valid one. As more and more pornography is accessed by more and more people from an increasingly young age it is clear that society is becoming more used to the ideas that are seen in porn. Pornography is getting increasingly extreme, increasingly violent and increasingly normal.

I would be lying if I said I never looked at porn. On occasion I have done so, and it has not changed my view of women. I still respect women, treat women equally and still consider myself to be a feminist. However I am firmly in the three quarters of men who do not have a porn addiction. What can be said for the increasingly large minority?

If one is accessing porn on a regular basis then it does seem likely that what they view on these videos may become increasingly normalised in their minds.

Now with some porn I've seen this is probably not a problem, much of it is just sex, similar to sex I've had (albeit with far more attractive participants), but some pornography I find absolutely disgusting. Women are often abused and there seems to be a trend of sexual activities which could be said to be negative towards the female participant. If people can watch a video where all the participants are over age and consensual then perhaps this isn't a problem. But what if people watch these videos before they have sex themselves? Perhaps these extreme sexual activities and simulated abuses of women will be normal?

Or perhaps not. Perhaps the vast majority of us would be as likely to be influenced by pornography as we are influenced by rap music. Maybe equating pornography to sexist views or even sexual violence is as far off the point as equating Marilyn Manson records to Columbine.

A lot of porn I think is fine and perhaps even healthy, but when watching certain types of pornography (particularly Japanese pornography, I've never felt so sorry for someone in my life as the woman featured in a Japanese porn video I once stumbled upon) I think it is possible, just possible, that it is presenting negative ideas of sex and negative ideas of what women are to a large demographic of people, this worries me.

Neil Lennon Letter Bomb

Neil Lennon and two high profile Celtic supporters have received bombs which the police suggest had the potential to kill or seriously injure the intended victims.

Voltaire famously said with regards to the Scottish Enlightenment "We look to Scotland for all our ideas of civilisation." We are a nation that produced some of the worlds most enduring and enlightened legal and educational systems. Economist Adam Smith single-handedly revolutionised the economic outlook for centuries and philosopher David Hume is widely considered to be one of the most profound philosophers to ever put pen to paper.

Yet somehow we still live in a country where sectarianism is rife and people can get killed for being the wrong religion or supporting the wrong soccer team. We do not have a racism problem here, we are notably more left-wing and liberal than our British counterparts yet we have a problem that people outside of Scotland and Northern Ireland probably couldn't get their heads around.

Should we be shocked at the attack on Neil Lennon? Of course, yet somehow we are not. I am not going to suggest that everyone who sings offensive songs at football games want to kill Catholics or Protestants, but when we have football stadia which are breeding grounds for sectarian singing and songs which call for the deaths of people like Neil Lennon can we really be surprised that someone or some group of people have taken it too literally and too seriously and gone far too far?

Thankfully most Rangers and Celtic fans I know condemn any of these actions, posted bellow are songs I've heard at Pittodrie over the last few years. Listening to them and reading them, can we really be that shocked that the sectarian problem we have in Scotland can and does lead to the deaths of innocent people?

From Rangers Fans:

Hang Neil Lennon

Hang Him High

(How Fucking High?)

So I Can See The Bastard Die

From Celtic Fans:

I Hope You Die in your sleep Nacho Novo,

I Hope You Die in your sleep I pray,

I Hope You Die in your sleep Nacho Novo,

With a Bullet from the I.R.A

Of course if we listen to the party line these sorts of songs are only sung by 90 minute bigots. There is not a real sectarian problem here eh? Just a bit of fun singing at a football ground. I do not want to blame what has happened with regards to the letter bombs on bigots shouting stupid offensive songs at football grounds, and I doubt the vast majority of them would actually want to see Nacho Novo or Neil Lennon killed, but with songs like that being sung regularly and a multitude of threats and now a bomb sent to Neil Lennon and other high profile Celtic supporters it does make one wonder whether we are taking the sectarian element of the Old Firm seriously enough.