Top Five Favourite Conspiracy Theories

With the tenth anniversary of 9/11 fast approaching already hours on television and pages of print are being dedicated in memory of those lost in the atrocity. Whenever those attacks on September the 11th are mentioned the popular conspiracy theories are quick to follow. The BBC have even dedicated an entire documentary series to the conspiracy theories where due to neutrality they end each episode open ended, as if these theories are anything more than complete fucking bullshit. Conspiracy theories though I find fascinating. I love the idea that there is a secret Jewish cabal of bankers controlling the world and the Ku Klux Klan are our only hope of saviour, or that the moon landings where faked by a secret Jewish cabal of bankers so that the USA would beat the soviets in the space war or even the one where they put fluoride in the water to give people cavities so you go to the Jewish dentists and pay them more money. Conspiracy theorists love them Jewish Cabals. Anyway, here is my list of my top five favourite conspiracy theories, in descending order:

5. Aids Was Created To Kill off The Gays/Blacks

Left-wing conspiracy theories are quite rare. Generally there are communists, or socialists or Jews who are responsible for trying to destroy the freedoms of good, honest, Christian Americans. This one is different. According to this theory the right-wing white government decided to create a disease to kill off the gays or the blacks (depends which left-wing hippie nutter you believe) through an easily spreadable and incurable disease. Unfortunately for the conspirators they forgot that white straight people enjoy sex and heroin too.

4. Paul Is Dead

In 1966 Paul McCartney died in a car crash and was replaced by a look-a-like. Yep, that happened. According to the theory not only did McCartney die, but The Beatles covered it up, but put secret clues in their music and album artwork. These include an apparent hidden message included in the song 'Revolution 9' and that the image of the Beatles walking on the front of their 'Abby Road' album is supposed to signify a funeral procession. My only concern is, if the current Paul McCartney is a fake, why did they get such a wanker to play him?

3. Bob Marley Was Assassinated

I like this one just due to the sheer complexity of the theory. Often when celebrities who die are the focus of conspiracy theories the actual method of death is questioned, not so with Marley. According to this theory the CIA gave him the melanoma which would eventually kill him. Not only this, but the way they did it was by inserting copper into a pair of football boots which they then gave to the reggae artist as a gift. Marley used the boots, kicked a post, cut his foot, hit the copper, got melanoma, recorded the greatest live album of any reggae artist ever and then died. If that is true then the CIA should be congratulated for the most needlessly complex assassination ever carried out, ever.

2. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion

This one is quite frankly scary. I made a joke about how Jewish Cabals seem to be involved somehow in every single conspiracy theory ever made, but this one is no laughing matter. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion where a fake document made to make it look as if there was a great Jewish conspiracy. Essentially the document is a conspiracy within a conspiracy. This document was used as justification for anti-semetic laws and prejudice across the world, including in Nazi Germany where it was used by Hitler to justify hatred of the Jews and ultimately for the atrocities that occurred during the Holocaust. The document portray Jews as being Machiavellian and quite frankly evil. It is quite shocking and scary how this forged piece of literature was used.

1. Lizard Man Cometh!

Former BBC Sports pundit David Icke believes that the world is ruled by a secret cabal of Jews...wait, what? Not Jews but giant lizards!? Icke has forged a successful career where he claims that celebrities and rulers ranging from George W. Bush to the British Royal Family are secretly twelve foot lizards who, erm, control us. These Lizards come in all sorts of varieties but have disguised themselves as human beings. The Anti-racism organisation the ADL claim that these lizards are a code-word for Jews, but according to many, Icke genuinely believes that these lizards exist among us and are controlling our society. Scary eh? Here is Icke before the lizard phase on the Terry Wogan show:

Icke on Wogan

I think you know why that is my favourite!