Sunday, 31 July 2016

The Role of the Scots Language and its place in Education

Whether Scots is even a language, rather than a dialect of English, remains controversial. According to a 2010 study commissioned by the Scottish government suggested “for most adults in Scotland, Scots is not considered a language.” The study found that 64% of people felt that Scots was either not a language, or merely a dialect of English, compared to a minority of 29% who considered Scots to be a language. However simply because it is not widely considered a language by the majority of the population, does not necessarily mean it is not a language. The biggest difficulty in determining the status of Scots is the lack of clear criteria as to what makes something a language rather than a dialect. Scots is clearly similar to English, yet there are distinct differences that separate it from the English language. Both are West Germanic languages that developed simultaneously and due to similar immigration patterns to Scotland as to England, they developed in similar ways. Arguments in favour of Scots being a legitimate language largely fall into two types, the first compares Scots with other languages and the second looks into the history of the Scots language. Scots was used by law-makers and officials in Scotland prior to the Union of Crowns in 1603. Noblemen, officials and even the Kings of Scotland spoke in the Scots language. ‘The Kingis Quair’, widely thought to have been written by James I of Scotland is written in Middle Scots, an older form of the language. These two lines from ‘The Kingis Quair’ are a good example of Middle Scots: “Of this and that, can I noght say quharfore,/Bot slepe for craft in erth myght I no more.” This languages has similarities with middle english (‘y’ replacing ‘i’ in ‘myght’ for example), yet has its own distinct set of grammatical rules that seperate it from English. The ‘quh’ before ‘quharfore’ is one such distinctly Scots example. ‘Quh’ was used as an alternative to ‘wh’ in middle Scots and is utilised as such throughout the quair. This rule can be further observed in the poetry of Alexander Montgomerie. Montgomerie was writing in the late 16th century, but the ‘quh’ rather than ‘wh’ is still utilised by the poet. “Quhen with a quhisk sho quhirlis about hir quheill” Middle Scots continued as a language for far longer than Middle English did. It was not until the Act of Union that Middle Scots shifted to modern Scots.
Proponents of the argument that Scots is a language, such as the Scottish government’s education website, point out the similarity between Norwegian and Danish. ‘Scots Online’ a website dedicated to the promotion of the Scots language, provide an example sentence in Norwegian and in Danish. First in Danish: “Kan ikke brukes i forbindelse med dimme utstyr eller elektronisk av og på mekanismer. Ikke egnet til bruk i helt lukkede armaturer.” Compared with Norwegian: “Kan ikke bruges i forbindelse med lysdæmper og elektronisk tænd-sluk-ur. Ikke egnet til helt lukkede armaturer” Norwegian and Danish are as similar as Scots is to English, if not more so, yet, as Scots language proponents establish, Danish and Norwegian are considered distinct and separate languages. Danes and Norwegains can understand each other, with little difficulty. The same cannot always be said for native Scots speakers and some English speakers. Scots occasionally have to modify their speech to be understood by those with little knowledge of Scots. According to proponents of Scots being a language, this implies that if Danish and Norwegian are legitimately separate languages, then so to are Scots and English. Yet this still does not conclusively prove that Scots is a language. Denmark and Norway are separate countries from one another, and each use their respective languages exclusively at official level. Both languages have standardised dictionaries and grammatical rules, neither face the problems created by a lack of defined standardisation that Scots faces.

Both the argument from history, and the comparison with other languages provide compelling arguments in favour of Scots being a language, but they are by no means conclusive. When compared to other regional variations of English, e.g. the traditional Yorkshire dialect, there does not appear to be any difference. The traditional Yorkshire dialect (that is now sadly almost non- existent) was as distinct from English as Scots is, if not more-so, yet few would argue that Yorkshire is a language. Similarly the language spoken in the North-East of England shares as much with Scots as it does with English, and has an entirely unique set of linguistic rules and words, again ‘Geordie’ is considered a dialect, not a language. The one difference between these dialects and Scots is that Scotland is considered a nation. Historically it was a separate country entirely, and many proponents of the Scots language argue that as Scotland is still a separate nation (albeit one in a Union with the rest of the UK), Scots is therefore separate on a political level. Whether the status of Scotland as a nation, and Yorkshire as merely a region, affects whether the respective dialects are languages or not is unclear. Without a specific definition as to what makes something a dialect and makes something a language it is difficult to determine. Whether or not it is a language is unclear, however it is currently recognised as a language by both the Scottish and British governments, so for the rest of this essay I will be working on the assumption that Scots is, indeed, a language. However even if it is not a language, the case for it being historically significant is sufficient evidence to its place in schools. Scots has clearly been significant in both the history and culture of Scotland, and it would be a case of double standards to omit the learning of Scots merely because of the inconclusive nature as to its status. Whilst 64% of Scots, according to the study mentioned above, may not believe Scots is ‘really’ a language, 55% of Scots believe the language/dialect should be taught in schools.

It is worth questioning whether there is a political agenda behind the increasing role Scots is taking in education. It is not a coincidence that this increase in cultural nationalism in education is occurring under a nationalist government. This is clearly the case. Whether this is occurring due to a genuine belief that cultural nationalism is important, or due to a notion that increased cultural nationalism will lead to increased political nationalism and thus help the current government win support for their core philosophy, is less clear. Anne Sobey, in her essay, establishes that: “It is recognised in Scottish nationalist circles that, without an increased sense of ‘Scottishness’ which would allow cultural separation from England, political independence would be difficult to achieve.” This begs the question, is the increased role of Scots (and other aspects of Scottish culture) in schools an attempt to create cultural separation from England? It is worth comparing Scots with the other non-English language of Scotland: Gaelic. Gaelic Medium Education in Scotland is being increasingly promoted by the Scottish Government, to the extent that last year they published their intention of setting up Gaelic education in every state primary school in the country. This may be a case of the government’s nationalist agenda being used to foster a cultural separation between Scotland and England. Unlike Scots, which is legitimately spoken across the country, Gaelic is confined to very small, sparsely populated parts of Scotland. Gaelic has not been spoken in lowland Scotland for centuries, and parts of Scotland have never spoken Gaelic. Encouraging Gaelic medium education in areas of the country that are predominantly Gaelic speaking should be encouraged, and every effort should be put into helping the survival of the language in these areas. Yet Scots is a different matter.

Nationalism for political benefit is potentially the driving force behind increasing the teaching of both Scots and Gaelic in schools. For Gaelic this creates the problem of an unimportant language being taught to people who have no background or cultural ties to the language, yet Scots is clearly different. Scots is spoken across the country, and 85% of people in Scotland speak Scots to some extent. Unlike Gaelic, Scots is clearly a language that has practical use and is utilised by most Scottish pupils on a day to day basis. Although nationalism for the sake of nationalism in education (and generally for society) is a negative thing, if it helps deliver education in the language that many Scots feel more familiar with, then (in this case) it is clearly beneficial. Anne Sobey notes this in her essay: “A huge gap exists between the Scottish experience and the English language”. Without the use of Scots there is a fear of creating a two-tier linguistic system for pupils, who are forced to learn in a language that is not, necessarily, their first language. There has been little research done looking into the impact of conducting lessons in Scots to pupils who speak Scots as their first language, however what little there has been has wielded positive results. One study by Matthew Fitt and Cathrin Howells, which looked into the impact of Scots being taught at a Glebelands Primary School in 2005 showed an improvement in the behaviour of pupils Scots speaking with low attainment levels. It is clear that teaching children in the language that is more familiar, or native to them, is beneficial.

Although there are clear benefits to teaching Scots, there are practical difficulties associated with the language. The biggest of which is the lack of standardisation. Unlike English, which went through a continued process of standardisation, dating back to Samuel Johnson’s A Dictionary of the English Language, Scots has had no real standardisation. Dictionaries have been created and compiled over the last few years in an attempt to remedy this problem, however Scots still lacks a complete formal code that other languages have. The most comprehensive dictionary in Scots, the Dictionary of the Scots Language, contains Older Scots, Middle Scots and Modern Scots words, yet includes words from every dialect of Scots. This provides another problem. Scots is made up of many regional dialects, which differ considerably from one another. The Doric dialect of the North East of Scotland, for example, is distinct and separate from the Glaswegian dialect. Take the English word ‘child’ for example, in Glaswegian the correct term would be ‘wean’, yet in Doric it is ‘bairn’. Similarly words such as ‘loun’, ‘quine’, ‘muckle’, ‘fit’, and ‘ken’, all commonly used in the Doric dialect, are not understood by native Glaswegian speakers. All exist within the Dictionary of the Scots Language, however. This is problematic as there becomes no clear distinction between one form of Scots and another, rather the collection of Scots words is a collection of different dialects that are not heard together. The sentence ‘The wean is a quine’ is a sentence using Scots words included in the dictionary, yet it is a sentence that would be heard neither in Glasgow (due to the word ‘quine’) nor Banffshire (due to the word ‘wean’). Teaching Scots one must be careful to ensure that the Scots language being taught is one that is local and makes sense to the pupils in the local area. The benefit of learning Scots in a school in Keith would be lost if the Scots taught was one resembling Glaswegian, rather than the local Doric dialect.

Another significant problem faced with teaching Scots, is linked to the lack of standardisation, and that is how to write in Scots. Scots has not been a written language in any meaningful way for centuries. Although poets have written their poems down in Scots, there are huge discrepancies and differences in how it is written. ‘To a Haggis’ by Burns provides one example of written Scots: ‘Fai fa’ your honest sonsie face’. Burns makes use of the apostrophe in “fa”, something which modern poets or Scots writers would not do. The government education website advises “An apostrophe tells us that something is missing, but in Scots words like greetin, daein, lowpin, snawin etc, there is no missing letter g”. Tom Leonard makes use of the lack of standardised form of Scots by writing in a completely different way: ‘iz coz yi/widny wahnt/mi ti talk/aboot thi/truuth wia/voice lik/wanna yoo/scruff.” These examples are both legitimately Scots, yet entirely different from one another. Teaching Scots, without firm grammatical rules or standardised spelling, is difficult. Yet standardising spelling and creating one correct form of the language is something that linguists are unwilling or unprepared to do. There is a risk that much of the fluidity or natural flow of the language could be lost if certain ways of writing or spellings of words are declared incorrect. Education Scotland are aware of the difficulties presented in writing in a language with few fixed rules, and simply advise consistency. There is a potential problem with teaching pupils to write in a language which does not have any rules, and there is a fear it may have a negative impact on their English writing, a language with a fixed orthography. Interestingly though, according to a study by Celia Craig, conducted in Westhill Academy in Aberdeenshire, the use of Scots actually helped pupils grasp linguistic concepts. She claims “Scots clearly emerges as an enhancing element in pupil acquisition of language and linguistic concepts.”

A further practical difficulty with Scots is pupil’s difficulties in differentiating between Scots and slang. According to the study mentioned above, conducted by Celia Craig: “The S5/6 response at the focus Secondary School featured pupil inclusion of what might be termed teenage jargon words (e.g. “stonkin”, “mingin”) as Scots.” It is therefore crucial to begin lessons in Scots at an earlier age, in order for pupils to be aware of what constitutes Scots, and what is merely Scots sounding slang. These are difficulties associated with a non-standardised language. Without specific rules it can be difficult to determine whether a word is a legitimate part of the language, or if it is slang. ‘Mingin’, the example used by Craig, is included in some Scots dictionaries as a legitimate word. ‘Mingin’ is derived from the Scots ‘ming’ (meaning smell) and is legitimately used as a Scots word in certain regional Scots dialects. Yet clearly there is difficulty in determining whether it actually is a real Scots word, or merely an example of slang. When it is unclear due to the lack of standardisation, it is difficult to accurately teach children correctly. One teacher may consider it a legitimate word, whilst another may not. Reasonable guidelines must be put in place, but must be done so whilst being mindful of the region one is in.

Console Zelda Challenge

With the very exciting news that Breath of the Wild, the upcoming Zelda title, is to be released relatively soon I decided to revisit some of the old Zelda games. Whilst aimlessly attacking Deku Babbas and riding Epona through Hyrule I decided it would be fun to play through some of the games again. Then I thought about going one better and playing through ALL the console games again.

My challenge is this, to try to complete all eight of the console Zelda games by the time Breath of the Wild is released. As I work full time and have a baby child and responsibilities this means my free time is very limited and therefore this may be harder than it sounds. I'm not going for speed runs, so will be looking for all the extras and pieces of heart that I care to find. As much as possible I will be playing the original games on the original consoles (so N64 for Ocarina, not the 3DS version, Gamecube for Wind Waker, not the newer HD version etc) and looking up strategy guides or walkthroughs is strictly prohibited. Today I will be starting with Skyward Sword (simply as it's the game I've not played as much of as the others) and will possibly start a Link to the Past save as well. I'll keep this blog updated with my progress.

Wish me luck!

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Forget about the 45, let's focus on the 85

I’ve spent the past few weeks very much looking forward to this weekend. Throughout history one of the biggest problems faced by the left is our tendency to split, argue with each other and our complete inability to put aside differences and focus on the common good. The past two years has seen this occur in Scotland. We’ve been split amongst Yes voters and No voters, between those who believe Independence was the best way to enact social change, and those who believe that change through the Union is the better course. Whatever your views are on this issue (and mine, I fully admit, are strong), the referendum has happened and the decision has effectively been made for us. Any change that is going to come will have to take place in the Union. I looked forward to this weekend because I, perhaps naively, believed that whatever the outcome, that those of us on the left would reunite and fight for social justice. I believed we would have done so in a newly independent Scotland, and I believed we would do so if we remained in the Union.

I’m starting to wonder if I was incorrect. Facebook and twitter are now focusing on ‘The 45’ (whether this is a deliberate reference to the Jacobites I’m not yet sure of), referring to the 45% of people who voted Yes on Thursday. The aims seem to be basically that we should use the voice people believe the Yes campaign gave them, and turn it into a long-term movement. But this is focusing on division, on difference, on what has separated us for the past two years. I don’t think this is wise, like it or not, we democratically rejected independence, but that does not mean we have rejected change or social justice. I want to fight alongside my comrades again, no matter what their views on constitutional change is. 

I was flicking through my photos last week, and found this one below:


It is of me during the student protests against the raise in tuition fees. I fought alongside my comrades, and whilst we may not have succeeded in our aims, our voices were heard and I felt heartened that so many people could come together to fight for something. Now I worry, however, as I realise how split we all seem to be now. People I fought alongside with are on the other ‘side’ of the independence referendum, but when we agree on so much why should our views on which parliament governs us matter? We should fight together again.


This is a plea. Throw out your referendum badges, be they ‘Yes’ or ‘No Thanks’, and reject this horrid, divisiveness that we have had over the past two years, reject ‘The 45’, and embrace the 85%, the fantastic, wonderful 85% of us who voted and have been engaged in political debate. Let us work together to enact change, and let this debate about independence be settled for the time being. 

Friday, 8 March 2013

The GUU Misogyny Row: Why the Leftists Must Take a Back Seat

In the final of the Glasgow Ancients debate, held at the GUU, two female debaters were allegedly subject to sexist abuse by some board members of the Glasgow University Union. You can read about the abuse Rebecca Meredith and Marlena Velles were subject to here.

Much of the student body at Glasgow University have reacted angrily to the stories of misogyny and petitions and facebook pages condemning the actions of these GUU board members sprung up quickly. Many societies have dissafiliated with the GUU in the wake of the allegations, including the Feminist Society, Labour Club and Scottish Nationalists. Anger has spread across the political spectrum and the comments have been widely condemned by most in the student body. Even those who are generally apolitical have found a voice and have reacted to these allegations.

Glasgow University has a problem, however. That is the extreme leftists. There are large swathes of far-left groups, and people affiliated with the extremist UK Anti-Cut group (who claim to be opposed to all forms of government cuts). Recently they have been very active in ensuring far left candidates have prevailed at SRC (Student Representative Council) elections, similar to the leftist control over the University of Edinburgh's EUSA.

Unfortunately these leftists destroy any chance of reasonable political discourse at the university. Nationalist far-leftists heckled and booed Jackie Baille of the Better Together campaign during the recent mock referendum held at the Uni, causing anger from both Nationalists and Unionists. Anything resembling a protest at Glasgow University has turned into an easily targetted farce as soon as the leftists take control. These leftists took direct action to illegally occupy the Hetherington building only two years ago. Having a wide range of political opinions and groups is healthy for a university, but the far-left craving for absolute power over political proceedings has been detrimental to student politics, and more aptly, to genuinely important protests and political issues.

Students across the UK took part in protests against the rise in tuition fees, myself included. However in Glasgow, as was the case in Edinburgh, the leftists took control and forced their anti-cut agenda upon the protest. As someone who is not on the extreme left, I felt angry that the protest had been hijacked by the far-left and that those of us who are moderate, but still felt we wanted to protest against raising tuition fees, were suddenly associated and involved in those with extremist politics.

We cannot let this happen in the protest against misogyny at the GUU.

If the leftists take control I believe nothing will be acheived in our fight to reform the student union. The GUU board will be able to dismiss the campaign as being another one perpetuated by the loony left brigade, and not one which has support of us moderates, and even those who take little interest in student politics.

So far the campaign is reasoned, and a single issue campaign. I applaud this, but it must remain the same.

Reading a blog this morning by Tarzan Girl I worry that the far left are already trying to stamp their agenda on proceedings. The GUU is largely a traditional, conservative union frequented by the middle classes, as opposed to the more liberal Queen Margaret Union. This makes the GUU the antithesis to the ideals of the leftists on campus. Tarzan Girl's blog is a call to arms amongst the far-left against the GUU as a whole, not simply a call for something to be done about the recent case of misogyny. I am concerned that people who have an agenda against the GUU are using this as an excuse, and aim to use this scandal to further their own, biased, agenda.

Tarzan Girl's criticisms of the GUU are enlightening. She dislikes Chris Sibbald for going on a 'Zionist Rant'. This implies that there is some sort of problem with Zionism, or perhaps a belief that pro-Israeli views are somehow associated with misogyny. This is nothing short of a rallying cry for leftists, who are passionately anti-Israel. It emphasises the true problem the far-left have with the GUU. Tarzan Girl complains about the GUU stealing a banner from the illegal occupation of the Hetherington Building, before displaying their trophy on the turret of the GUU. She is carrying bitterness over a student joke and using this as ammunition against the Union as a whole. To really get the leftists angry she has posted a picture of Chris Sibbald wearing a dinner jacket, smoking a cigar. Evidently she believes class prejudice is a valid reason to dislike an institution.

Misogyny is wrong. The misogyny that occured at the GUU is wrong. The GUU as a whole is not. It is a proud institution which needs aspects of it, reformed. This will not occur if the far-left control the protest. We in the student body, whether left-wing, right-wing or apolitical, need to unite to ensure this remains a single issue campaign. That is the only way we can reform the misogynistic nature of some in the GUU board. 

Sunday, 12 August 2012

The Problem With Shopping

I hate shopping. I really hate shopping.

To clarify that statement, I don't hate all shopping. I quite enjoy browsing books and looking at CDs and the occasional foray into a tacky tourist shop can be amusing and illuminating (so that is what other countries think Scottish people are like). It is clothes shopping I cannot stand. The whole experience is utterly humiliating and boring. You have to drag yourself from one stuffy shop to another, avoiding the crowds of people who seem to move at an extraordinarily slow pace in order to buy things which are essential, not entertaining.

This is particularly true of jeans shopping. Jeans are essential items but they are a nightmare to buy. Getting a pair which fits perfectly feels pretty much impossible. Either they fit your waist but are too long, or too short. Maybe the length is right but they are clearly too tight around your thighs, which up until now you hadn't realised were bigger than the 'average' person. Once in a while you will think you have struck gold, a pair of jeans which fit your waist, fit your legs and are even the right length. Then you look down and see a pronounced bulge coming from your pelvis and you realise that these jeans definitely expose too much to wear in public.

And that is just the jeans themselves. Before you have even got to the 'trying them on' stage you have to find a shop and deal with shop people. Walking into Topman is daunting, the ludicrously good looking sales staff give you that look, that one which says 'you don't belong here'. Everyone else in the shop appears to be skinny and pulling off a sort of indy chic that belongs in an episode of Skins, not a shopping department.

Eventually you will find a pair of jeans which aren't perfect, but are good enough. After two hours of searching for the holy grail you will try on one pair of jeans which are a little tight, and a little long but you will utter the best five words known to man 'Fuck it, that will do'. You then find out the one piece of good news you've had all day, the jeans you have selected are in the 5% off section. Brilliant, you are saving a couple of pounds which can be spent on a coffee or hot dog. Brilliant.

You take the jeans up to the counter, tired, frustrated and desperate to get home. You hand over the jeans and show your student card to get your 15% student discount only to be told by an uppity member of the sales staff that 'Student discount doesn't apply on sale items', in a voice which makes this little piece of information seem so obvious you are an idiot for not knowing that student discount doesn't apply on sale items.

You walk out of the shop, dejected, unhappy and with some new jeans which don't even fit right.

Long story short, I hate shopping.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Scandinavian Drama

Over the last couple of years there has been an onslaught of drama series and films coming from Scandinavia. Denmark have provided the exceedingly popular series 'The Killing', and have had us all hooked on the political career of Brigitte Nyborg in Borgen. Across the Øresund strait Sweden have provided us with the brooding detective series 'Wallander' and the popular 'Millenium' film and novel series. Now BBC 4 have picked up a joint venture between Sweden and Denmark which involves the police forces of both countries working together after a severed body is discovered half in Sweden, half in Copenhagen on the Øresund Bridge. Jointly funded by Swedish and Danish producers 'The Bridge' (Or 'Bron'/'Broen' to our Scandinavian neighbours, depending on which side of the Strait you reside) is continuing in the same vein as previous Scandinavian dramas and once again has a British audience hooked. But what is it about these Scandinavian dramas that is so popular?

A cynic may wonder if Danish people wait with excitement at the chance to watch the latest subtitled episode of Silent Witness, perhaps we love these dramas simply because they are other. Scandinavia is close enough to the UK to share similar cultures, but far enough away to be different and have certain nuances that are alien and exciting to us. Something bland and boring in English sounds positively fascinating in Danish or Swedish.

I don't think this fully explains our fascination with Scandinavian dramas though, I think we love them because they are good. There is something haunting and eerie about the slow pace with which they develop. It combines all that made 'The Wire' such a great series with a bleakness that exists in Scandinavian countries. When watching 'The Bridge' it is difficult not to recall Anders Breivik. Whoever the killer is in 'The Bridge' is murdering people to highlight a perceived problem he or she has. The killer clearly feels that the murders are justified in doing this, and although I don't know yet who it is, it is clear that there is morality and careful consideration behind the cold and calculating killer. This is eerily similar to the reasons Breivik has given for the atrocities that occurred last year on Utøya. Breivik has tried to justify his actions by claiming he did them for the greater good, to spread a moral message and to prevent Muslims immigration to Norway. Much like the killer in 'The Bridge', Breivik is motivated by political beliefs.

Recalling Breivik whilst watching 'The Bridge' creates an added eeriness and sinister feeling to the series. It becomes difficult not to view certain people in Scandinavia as having a dark and brooding, yet quiet and calculating evilness whilst they operate in a bleak land. Something about Scandinavian drama is captivating us and I hope that the combination of good writing, slow build up and the Swedish, Danish and Norwegian atmosphere continues.



Thursday, 1 September 2011

Top Five Favourite Conspiracy Theories

With the tenth anniversary of 9/11 fast approaching already hours on television and pages of print are being dedicated in memory of those lost in the atrocity. Whenever those attacks on September the 11th are mentioned the popular conspiracy theories are quick to follow. The BBC have even dedicated an entire documentary series to the conspiracy theories where due to neutrality they end each episode open ended, as if these theories are anything more than complete fucking bullshit. Conspiracy theories though I find fascinating. I love the idea that there is a secret Jewish cabal of bankers controlling the world and the Ku Klux Klan are our only hope of saviour, or that the moon landings where faked by a secret Jewish cabal of bankers so that the USA would beat the soviets in the space war or even the one where they put fluoride in the water to give people cavities so you go to the Jewish dentists and pay them more money. Conspiracy theorists love them Jewish Cabals. Anyway, here is my list of my top five favourite conspiracy theories, in descending order:

5. Aids Was Created To Kill off The Gays/Blacks

Left-wing conspiracy theories are quite rare. Generally there are communists, or socialists or Jews who are responsible for trying to destroy the freedoms of good, honest, Christian Americans. This one is different. According to this theory the right-wing white government decided to create a disease to kill off the gays or the blacks (depends which left-wing hippie nutter you believe) through an easily spreadable and incurable disease. Unfortunately for the conspirators they forgot that white straight people enjoy sex and heroin too.

4. Paul Is Dead

In 1966 Paul McCartney died in a car crash and was replaced by a look-a-like. Yep, that happened. According to the theory not only did McCartney die, but The Beatles covered it up, but put secret clues in their music and album artwork. These include an apparent hidden message included in the song 'Revolution 9' and that the image of the Beatles walking on the front of their 'Abby Road' album is supposed to signify a funeral procession. My only concern is, if the current Paul McCartney is a fake, why did they get such a wanker to play him?

3. Bob Marley Was Assassinated

I like this one just due to the sheer complexity of the theory. Often when celebrities who die are the focus of conspiracy theories the actual method of death is questioned, not so with Marley. According to this theory the CIA gave him the melanoma which would eventually kill him. Not only this, but the way they did it was by inserting copper into a pair of football boots which they then gave to the reggae artist as a gift. Marley used the boots, kicked a post, cut his foot, hit the copper, got melanoma, recorded the greatest live album of any reggae artist ever and then died. If that is true then the CIA should be congratulated for the most needlessly complex assassination ever carried out, ever.

2. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion

This one is quite frankly scary. I made a joke about how Jewish Cabals seem to be involved somehow in every single conspiracy theory ever made, but this one is no laughing matter. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion where a fake document made to make it look as if there was a great Jewish conspiracy. Essentially the document is a conspiracy within a conspiracy. This document was used as justification for anti-semetic laws and prejudice across the world, including in Nazi Germany where it was used by Hitler to justify hatred of the Jews and ultimately for the atrocities that occurred during the Holocaust. The document portray Jews as being Machiavellian and quite frankly evil. It is quite shocking and scary how this forged piece of literature was used.

1. Lizard Man Cometh!

Former BBC Sports pundit David Icke believes that the world is ruled by a secret cabal of Jews...wait, what? Not Jews but giant lizards!? Icke has forged a successful career where he claims that celebrities and rulers ranging from George W. Bush to the British Royal Family are secretly twelve foot lizards who, erm, control us. These Lizards come in all sorts of varieties but have disguised themselves as human beings. The Anti-racism organisation the ADL claim that these lizards are a code-word for Jews, but according to many, Icke genuinely believes that these lizards exist among us and are controlling our society. Scary eh? Here is Icke before the lizard phase on the Terry Wogan show:


I think you know why that is my favourite!

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