Anyone But England

I've read plenty recently about the Scots (and other 'Celtic' nation's) refusal to support our neighbours and fellow countrymen England in the World Cup. English commentators have blamed it on our rank jealousy that glorious England are in the world cup whilst we are not, whilst Scottish blogs and articles have pointed to the British media’s constant chattering about England deserving to win the world cup. Whilst I would love to see Scotland represented in the World Cup I’m not jealous of England, I’m more jealous of teams like Honduras, surely Scotland have to be better than Honduras! And yes the England based media is annoying come the World Cup, it isn’t enough to make me actively support other nations. No, the real reason I support teams playing England is far pettier than that.

 

The truth is I don’t like what England FC represent. Football teams to me don’t represent their nations, or indeed the culture of their nations. What they represent is the soccer culture. I absolutely love England’s culture, high tea, Pimms, Cricket on the lawn and the stiff upper lift. The quirky nature of England is brilliant and represents all of the UK to me. I love the Dorset and Summerset cultures, the Yorkshire culture, the city cultures, the history and the strange nuances that somehow make me proud to be British. The UK is a unique and downright ridiculous country, and England plays a significant part of that. I love it.

 

England the football team represents something different to me though. They don’t represent Pimms on the yard and the bloody history of England. The football team represents the ‘Engerland’ culture. I picture fat balding men thinking football is England’s gift to the world, as if all other countries deserve to give them respect. A hooligan ‘Gods Gift to football’ nature which I utterly loathe. I was asked recently who the first person I thought of when someone mentioned English football. Surely Bobby Charlton, Gazza or maybe Wayne Rooney would be my answer. It wasn’t. The first person I think of is the person I most associate with English football; John Motson. His Engerland obsession yet utter inability to pronounce foreign player’s names represent the English football culture perfectly to me.

 

I think about the teams I do like in international competitions, Germany for example. The German football culture isn’t Lederhosen and Europhilia, it is a stiff combination of East and West Germany, a football team where perfection is key. No stone left unturned, with the happiest fans who deserve to be arrogant, yet somehow aren’t. They drink beer and enjoy themselves, friends with everyone else (except maybe the Dutch). Then there is Argentina. I don’t think about a poverty stricken South American country, blessed with beauty, but without the tourism its neighbour Brazil enjoys. No, I think of Diego Maradona. He is one of my favourite people in football, a man who does everything to excess, an overweight former drug addict who is somehow possibly the best footballer there has ever been. And how can anyone dislike a team with Lional Messi in it?

 

Yes it may be petty, but I just cannot stand that English football culture, a nasty arrogant fat man who orders beers in Spain by putting an ‘O’ on the end of every word. Anyway, don’t worry England; I hate the French team too.