Top Five Words I'm Bringing Back!

Since moving down to the central belt of Scotland I have noticed that many of the words and expressions I grew up using are not used down here. I have had people get confused at things I say, people laugh at what I say and people even refusing to believe that the words I am using are 'real' words. Quite frankly, I am sick of it. I am sick of going to a chippy and not a chipper, I am sick of eating bacon rolls instead of bacon softies and if I hear one more person put 'eh?' at the end of every sentence instead of the far more normal work of 'like?' then I think I am going to get on a bussie (not bus) home.

I was going to compile a list for people unfortunate enough to have been born outwith the North East of Scotland of what words should actually be used, but then I noticed that even regular British English terms, such as 'biscuit', are being replaced with Americanised rubbish, like 'cookie'.

Perhaps five is not enough, but welcome to my list of the top five words and phrases which I am bringing back into regular conversation!

5. Fairy Cake - Replacing 'Cup Cake'

Agh! Fairy cake is such a fantastic term. There is no noun in the English language which cannot be improved without the word 'Fairy' preceding it. Yet for some reason it seems increasingly popular to call the poor little things 'Cup Cakes'. The term offends me deeply. I was heartened by the BBC website yesterday when I noticed that they had a recipe for 'Fairy Cakes', not 'Cup Cakes'. As far as I am concerned they have just justified the license fee.

4. Chipper - Replacing 'Chippie'

On twitter today I courted controversy by ranting about the term 'Chippie'. I hate the term 'Chippie'. To me a chippie is a stone (literally a chipped stone), similar to a chuckie, yet it seems that since I have moved down to the central belt of Scotland that everyone calls it a 'Chippie'. To me it always has been, and always will be a chipper. Could you imagine going to the 'World Famous Bervie Chippie'? Of course not! Yet four separate people on twitter and two more on facebook rejected 'Chipper' for 'Chippy'. I fear I may be too late on this one.

3. Softie - Replacing 'Roll'

A softie is a round bread thing. It seems to be called a 'roll' here in Edinburgh, and possibly other parts of the UK as well. However where I am from, and I am sure much of the UK, the correct term is 'Softie'. The term 'roll', is just confusing. Firstly if you go into a bakers and ask for a 'Roll' how do you know if you will end up walking home with a bread roll or if you will end up with a Buttery or Rowie? Secondly, if you want a sausage softie, how do you ask for it? Ask any self-respecting bakers for a Sausage Roll and they will give you the savoury pastry snack, not the sausage softie you require!

2. Advertisement - Replacing 'Advertisement'

I admit this one makes very little sense written down as both words are spelt the same and mean the exact same thing but are pronounced completely differently. An Advertisement should be pronounced 'Advertis-ment', however it seems to be becoming increasingly common to hear people pronounce it 'Advertize-ment'. It is a pet hate of mine but everyone from members of my own family to people on television seem to be watching 'Advertize-ments' instead of 'advertisements'. It is almost as bad as people who send out 'invites' instead of 'invitations'.

1. Quine - Replacing 'Girl'

I use the term 'girl' all the time, and very occasionally use the word 'lassie'. In fact I almost never call girls 'quines' in regular speech. Growing up in an area where 'Quine' is commonly used I still said 'girl' instead. However this must change. 'Quine' is a fantastic word, it rolls off the tongue, it sounds brilliant and really girls should be called 'quines' and treated as 'quines'. If you are wondering the North East term for 'boy' is actually 'loon'. Really boys should be called 'loons'... I am taking it upon myself to start calling girls 'Quines' from now on. It is time to take my language back!

Last Day on Earth

"Have you any last words?" The coroner asked me, tiredly.

"Shit" I muttered. I had written some stuff down, some great stuff about the hypocrisy of the church and the injustices which had got me into such trouble. These days the last words are spoken before the Priest reads out the last rites. In my head I liked the juxtaposition between my anti-theistic rant and the Priest going on about my soul being saved. Unfortunately though in a lapse of concentration I had left my notes in my cell. I knew I could make something up on the spot but I knew it would not have the same punch. What did it matter then anyway?

"No," I answered solemnly, "Shit will do."

My wife who was sitting in the public gallery gave me a disapproving look, as if I should somehow be recognising her. 'Fuck her.' I thought. If I am unable to rant about the hypocrisy of religion then why should I waste my last words on her?

"Shall we?" I remember asking. Ultimately they would prove to be my absolute final earthly words, 'Shall we?' Not the final punch I was looking for but I was tired and it seemed that the only person in the room with any interest in proceedings, the Priest, was getting anxious to get his part out of the way.

I had met Father Mann just once before, a couple of days before. He was young, very young. I still couldn't get over the idea of calling someone that young "Father".

He walked into my cell that day and timidly sat down. "Are you nervous?" was the first thing he said after introducing himself. I told him I was not. I knew that once I died I would be buried in the ground, or burned in a casket or maybe thrown off a boat but by then it would not matter, I would be dead.

"I'm nervous" he said. He was too. I was to be his first. I was going to be his first capital punishment case. I smiled at him. I suppose it made me happy that whilst it would be the end of something special for me, it would be the beginning of something special for him.

"May the blessing of God Almighty the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost descend upon you and remain with you always." Father Mann said. I remember being somewhat put out that there was only one line said, then again it was his first time so the less to remember the better and why waste a decent prayer on a notorious Atheist anyway?

There was a pause. It was sort of awkward, at least I found it awkward. It seemed to last forever, this pause after the Priest had finished. Everything had turned somewhat sombre. Perhaps they where reflecting on the deep meaning behind what Father Mann had just said. Either way I could not cope with it any more.

"Shall We?" I repeated as I nodded towards the noose.

A hood was put over my head and darkness seemed to descend. I could hear the coroner repeating my crime and sentence as I felt the noose slip across my neck. Finally it was over. What they fail to tell you when you are sentenced to hang is how utterly boring it all is. Instead of just getting you in there, killing you and getting you out of there they force a sick ceremony upon you. Maybe it is to make them feel better about what they are doing or to try and put meaning on it. It just bored me. There is nothing meaningful about death, no matter how to dress it up.

With the noose tied around me, and another moment of silence I fell.

"You should have closed your eyes," the man with the wings said "you should see what your body looks like with your eyes popping out like that."

Top Five Biscuit Dipping

For anyone who follows me on twitter you may have seen my constant complaining and whining about having to study for exams, having to do exams and worry about what my results are going to be like. Exam period is the one time of year I hate more than any other, I inevitably put on weight, consider taking up smoking and contemplate ripping the vocal chords out of my beloved, but persistently annoying, cat.

However there is one advantage; I drink shit-loads of tea. With tea comes biscuits to dip into it. I tried, over the past month or so, dipping with five different biscuits, so starting with the worst and leading to the best, here are the top five biscuits to dip with.

5. Jamie Dodgers

I love Jamie Dodgers, I love shortbread, I love jam, I love them together. Because of this I was dismayed to discover that they do not dip well. The biscuit part became soggy but the jam was resilient, leading to this odd sensation somewhere between chewy and soggy. Chewy goes with hard, it does not go with soggy.

Dip Rating - 1/10

4. HobNobs

Only number four!? Yes, the 'classic' dipping biscuit is fairly low on my list. Don't get me wrong, they are resilient but to me they are actually too resilient. I like the biscuits to get a little bit soggy but you have to dip the humble hobnob four to five times simply to get the desired result. That much dipping is a lot of effort whilst trying to get through The Critique of Pure Reason.

Dip Rating - 4/10

3. Rich Tea Fingers

I perhaps made a rookie mistake here by selecting rich tea fingers, rather than their classic bigger brother of the traditional rich tea. Taste wise there was no biscuit which suited tea better than the rich tea, however one dip and the finger would be so soggy it fell into the tea more often than not. Fishing the soggy biscuit residue from the bottom of a tea cup takes away from the whole dipping experience. Best for taste, worst for dip so Rich Tea Fingers finish third. Perhaps if I had gone for the real rich teas there would be a different winner, alas I did not.

Dip Rating - 5/10

2. Chocolate Fingers

Whilst the rich tea fingers were not up to the dipping task, the same cannot be said for the chocolate finger. The heat of the tea melted the chocolate which allowed it to ooze down as I brought the little finger to my mouth. Absolutely fantastic. Only real negative was that unfortunately the biscuit itself was a little insulated from the chocolate. A very close second to the eventual winner though.

Dip Rating - 9/10

1. Abernethy

I only ever tried my first Abernethy biscuit a couple of years ago, but they are pretty good. On their own they are fairly humble, straight forward, sweet, hard biscuits. However they come into their own when you add tea. The sweetness of the biscuit is a perfect combination with the tea and the natural hardness of the biscuit gives it durability for dipping, but not so much that the desired sogginess cannot be achieved. Lovely simple looking biscuits which dip perfectly. If you are sitting with a cup of tea and about to dip a biscuit right now and it is not an Abernethy then I pity you. Fantastic and my number one choice for tea dipping enjoyment.

Dip Rating - 10/10

Currently I am waiting for my results, my final ever results for my course, the ones that decide my final undergraduate results. If I do not get the grade I want then at least, I will have achieved something in my degree. A deeper knowledge of tea and biscuits.